it's the little things

As I was reminiscing and feeling down, I received an email from my husband regarding our fire plan for our home. This is one of the many, many hoops DSS makes you jump through for adoption. Something I feel is kind of stupid because what kid is going to look at a piece of paper to see how to get away from fire... but I digress. He completed it without any urging from me. Without any thought from me at all. It made me well up. It made my day.

I love him. He's the best. It's the little things.

FINALLY home study

We have a date for home study #1. There are 3 in the series. I'm not sure exactly what to expect, but we have it scheduled. Finally! It's only been nearly 5 months since our classes. It's in two weeks. Wish us luck!

And yet another rough weekend

This weekend was the roughest I've had in a while. The ex-friend who ghosted me... and then eventually broke up with me after I reached out, is pregnant. So this was a double whammy of pain. This person hurt me. Badly. I had to grieve over the loss of a friendship at the same time of grieving through infertility. I know that I shouldn't hate, and hate is a strong word, but I really do hate this person. I detest her. I guess this is a stage of grief, right? Anger. I'm at that stage. At least when it revolves around this person. I don't know when it'll lift. If I need it to lift. I do, because it's hard to move on when feeling this type of anger. It's hard to be a good person feeling this type of anger.

I'm continuing to journal and process through Book of Joy, and it continues to tell me to positively reframe. My massage therapist says that when someone leaves your life it's to allow someone new to come in. A person has a limited number of people, of energies, they can accept. It's still hard. It's still hurtful. And I'm thinking such painfully selfish thoughts it makes it worse. I almost don't want to write them, and maybe it makes me a terrible person to think these things, maybe it proves I don't deserve any friends. I don't know. Or maybe someone else is out there thinking selfish things like this and feels alone... so here you go... here's my thought:

Someone, who I don't feel is a very nice person, avoided friends for months on end, will have a baby shower. And I will never, ever get one.

She got what she wanted. What happened to karma? And then my thoughts... I don't deserve anything for having these thoughts, for thinking about this. For not being happy for them. My first reaction really was that I was happy for them. I know they've wanted a child for a long time. But then the sting. And this time the sting won't go away. I don't want to put this much negative energy out in the world. I want to move on with my life. I want to be happy and content with my lot. But knowing about this particular pregnancy is killing me. It's just one of those very unfair things that goes along with infertility.

I really don't think it helps that I also realized if IVF had worked... I'd be due.

just a rough couple weeks

It's been a rough couple weeks. We were invited to a family member's baby shower and didn't go. Part of the reason was because he thinks I can't handle it. The issue was that I probably could've, but we won't know. I spent a lot of time building myself up for it. But then logistics happened and, long story short, he thought he couldn't go so he RSVP'd no. Anyway, building myself up takes a lot of work, so I had to come down at some point.

I also found out that an acquaintance had a baby. Perfectly happy for them, but the sting is still there. I will expect it to be there for a while. People don't get that I can be happy for people, yet still be sad for myself. It's not like I can't have more than one emotion at a time.

It absolutely doesn't help that if IVF had worked we would be celebrating the end of my pregnancy. We would be preparing for the birth of our own child. I know it doesn't help to think these things, and I don't often dwell on it. I'm honestly perfectly fine not carrying an embryo. I'm honestly perfectly fine having a child via adoption. I just wish it wasn't so damn difficult. I'm not a very patient person and this process is long and arduous. Which makes it annoying to me. It's also annoying that  I start thinking about how life is unfair. And then I get guilty or upset with myself for thinking these things. Grief sucks. Infertility sucks. And right now... the adoption process is sucking for me. Clearly, we're still waiting...

more paperwork

We apparently missed some forms. So I had to go back to DSS and turn in more. Hopefully it's done now. And we wait again.

It's been a month since we turned in our original packet. It took them a month to figure out we missed 2 stupid documents to even start processing us. So we wait. And we wait some more.

paperwork turned in!

Our next step in the adoption process is a large packet to turn into DSS. Yes, it's been over a month since we've had classes. But I told you, the classes are draining and we needed to process and truly take a break. But I gave us a goal (or me a goal anyway) to complete the paperwork before the semester begins.

So that's what we did. We completed all the inane questions. Sorry they are inane. It's ridiculous how repetitive it is. And how I know how they want the questions answered. I was honest. And as raw as I could be. I get that they're trying to weed out the bad people. And they absolutely should. But I wish there was a wand that could just say "yep, these people are cool and will be awesome."

But there isn't. And I dropped off the paperwork. And now we wait....

foster care/adoption classes

Last week we sat through adoption/foster care classes through our county. I can't tell you how rough of a week it was, but I suppose that's the goal of this blog post. First, we were in a class of 11 other people, mostly couples. Some had very direct reasons to be in class- specific children they were trying to adopt. Others were there because they have large hearts and want to foster. I think we were the only couple there to adopt only through the state (at least adopt only a child we don't know yet).

We have rules and guidelines, specific ways to discipline the child, specific people who can watch our child, etc. We constantly were barraged by the negatives. Constantly. You're going to be accepting a kid with trauma. You're going to have a kid who's going to have behavioral issues. You're possibly going to get beaten by said child. There were very few stories that were positive. We watched videos of children in the system. We heard about how children get into the system. It was hard. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. I would go home every night and cry. My husband was pretty quiet. Though, he's usually pretty quiet, but he processed what he needed to. I'm not really sure what fully goes through his head every day. The one day that I didn't cry, I picked a fight with him. I was a mess. It's just a lot to deal with, it's a lot to absorb. And even though I truly do think that I would've wanted to go this route at some point in my life, I never expected the reason to be because I can't have children. Maybe to round out my family, maybe to give a kid(s) a home for a while. Who knows, and I also know that it's not our only option and that we chose this option but can this training have one damn thing that's positive?!?!?!

The last day, we do have a panel of foster/adoptive parents. That was something positive at least, but it really didn't make me feel a ton better. I guess it'll take time to process. The one thing that did make me feel better was a post I saw on Facebook from a woman who adopted 3 daughters from the foster system and her story was similar to ours. She discussed the difficulties, but the joy that everything does work out. It's my hope. That's my light. I need to see more of these stories.

I also found a true friend during this process, she was so supportive and so amazing this week I probably would've quit without her. I generally don't call people out... but Annie. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you. I love you.

coming out of the darkness

I don't know if it's summer. I don't know if it's because I've processed. I don't know if it's because I allowed myself to sit in my grief. But I feel like I'm almost out of the darkness. I don't feel like it has a hold on me any longer.

It probably helped that I have money in my savings account again. It likely helps that it's nice outside and I'm able to walk outside with friends and my husband. And practicing yoga more often.

What I also know what has helped is that I've been journaling. I read "The Book of Joy," just one section at a time and then journal about my thoughts. It's been so helpful and unexpected.

One thing I gained out of it is my morning routine. I'm not a morning person at all, at all, so morning routines are super rough, but this is not.

1. Say to myself: Good morning!
2. Be grateful, thankful, appreciative for another day.
3. Wish good for others (I usually choose a specific person/group to send this to)
4. Set an intention for the day
5. Be meaningful= kindness, compassionate, loving, joyful
Joy, love, compassion, generosity are all contagious. Be the ripple and engage with the world.

Saying these things to myself each morning allows me to get out of my head and recognize that we're all connected. That we all need each other to rely on. It's helped me reframe my thoughts. I can suffer internally and dwell on that, or I can provide compassion and love to another being and either suffer with them, or help alleviate that suffering by providing what I can. That connection is key.

I also bought the journal Zen as F*ck which has helped me more than expected. It's taken some of the anger out. It's allowed me to see things differently and be proud of how much I've accomplished. I've been through a lot in the past few months. I've sat in it. I've walked through it. I'm coming out of it now. It's not a straight line, pretty damn curvy and back and forth too. But I can feel the joyfulness coming back into my body. My heart isn't fully open, but it'll get there...

I still probably should think through an energy cleanse though.

advice people will give

You wouldn't believe the advice people try to give in regards to infertility, adoption, and everything in between, or beyond. I want it to be funny, but it's really, truly not.

• Relax
• Nope, just nope. Do not ever say this to someone dealing with infertility
• You can always adopt
• Yes, yes we can and we likely will, but a child through adoption is not the same as a biological child. It's completely a different thing. If you never adopted, would you like me to ask you why you never adopted a child? Because that's kind of what it's like.
• Why are you crying? Stop.
• Because I am dammit. And that's okay.
• What about getting an embryo, or having a surrogate?
• First of all, it's expensive. Secondly, these are two different things. And I can carry a child, I could do egg donor, but I don't want to go that route. And it costs $30k. Thirdly, these things aren't as easy as you think they are. 
• Oh, have you heard about (adoption service here).
• Actually, this one isn't that bad. IF I told you we were looking into adoption. I don't mind learning about all my options. However, most private adoption services cost anywhere from $20k-50k. So unless, you intend on funding this adoption, don't go beyond giving me the resource.
• I don't want to hear about this anymore
• Okay, fine. But you need to just say this nicer. Plus, if my infertility is making you uncomfortable... you may want to think about why.
• Oh, I'm sure your husband doesn't mind trying all the time.
• Yeah, just no. 
• You're not a mother so you wouldn't know what I go through
• No I'm not, but that doesn't mean that I don't have experience with children. I've been a nanny, a babysitter, and I also went to freaking school to be a social worker, which includes classes in child development. So no, I'm not a mother, but that doesn't mean I'm ignorant.

I guess most of this goes along the lines of don't give advice unless asked. It's nice to be supportive, provide appropriate resources, but unless asked don't give advice. It's hard, I know. I truly know. If you're uncomfortable and don't want to talk about the person's infertility, just say so. "I know you're going through a lot right now, and I want to be here for you, but I can't understand what you're going through and it's too hard for me." It's hard on us too, but we don't want to burden you if you can't be supportive.

There's so much more on this list. Feel free to add more if you've gone through this too.

insurance came through, finally!

That is pretty much it. I finally received a reimbursement check for the medication. How long have I been fighting this? It's such a relief. And I really can't be more grateful to Ashley who got me to this point. If you ever have to go through this, immediately ask to speak with a supervisor. Immediately get a case number.

I was also told that if I do future cycles it will only cost copayments for each medication. But I'm pretty sure I don't want to go through it again. My pinky toe still wants to a little bit though. I guess this continues the cycle of grief and the what-ifs.

breakdowns and grief

It's been a really rough month, hell- it's been a really rough winter/spring. My husband has been super supportive, but I really don't think he quite understands what I'm going through and why I'm so emotional. I *think* I may finally be coming out of depression. I realized I was actually depressed earlier this month, or late April. Straight up clinical depression if I were to diagnose myself.

I also came out on Facebook with this blog and my friends have been unbelievably supportive. It's also nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. I've tried really hard to get through all of this with a few supportive friends and family. And they've been great, but no one understands what this is like unless you've been through it. It also super hurts when people say "yeah, this happened to my friend and she now has 5000 kids." Sigh. I know you don't know what to say, but this process is different for everyone. And I'm 40. Yeah, maybe I could have some random litter of children, but let's be honest. I'm likely not. Yes, I still can hold out hope that my body will decide to produce one viable egg one month and miraculously I carry that child full-term. That hope will always be there, probably until menopause. But I also needed to grieve. And I don't think people get that.

On mother's day I confirmed my suspicions that my neighbor, who I encountered at the end of my last IVF cycle at the fertility clinic, is pregnant. I haven't been able to look towards their house since I found out. It hurts. It triggers me so much. Why them and not us?

I was talking to someone about IVF, my infertility, and my thoughts. They were like "stop talking about this." I'm like "this is my life, I can't stop talking about this." Again, someone who hasn't been through this does not get it. I didn't understand until I went through it. Sure, I had friends who were going through IVF and I was supportive, but was I supportive enough? I'll never know. I hope I was as supportive as they needed.

I've also lost a friend through this whole process. My understanding is this friend may be going through the same thing. She hasn't spoken to me since October. I reached out for months, but had to give up when I started the IVF process in February. I needed to focus on me. I don't know why I lost her and why she ghosted me, but I tried to be a friend. Losing this friendship is also adding to my grief and depression.

I've cried so many times in the past few months I think I'm running out of tears. I've had so many unexplained breakdowns it feels like darkness inside of me that won't release. I want it to release so badly. I want to feel happy without faking it. I want to be able to live my life without this darkness dragging me. I also really, really don't care anymore. I want to give up, not like suicidal, but just give up. I feel no joy. I don't have a whole ton of hope. My coworkers have noticed over the last few months how I've been. Some of them know what's going on, others don't. One person surprised me by saying she's concerned about me because I'm not my usual joyful self and I haven't been for months. Another coworker simply calls me out and is like "I really thought vacation would be helpful, you're worse than you were." I know.

I also know myself well enough to know that eventually this darkness will dissipate and if it doesn't I'll need to do something. I know talk therapy wouldn't be helpful because I've done all the analyzing I need to do. I have the insight. I don't have behaviors I need to change. I have accepted my infertility and at this point am grieving. And this grief will take months. I hope no longer than months. But there might always be a small part of me grieving that child that never was. I probably will never stop wondering, what would our child be like. What I probably need is an energy cleanse or something similar to that. Or just time. We'll see what happens. Now that my job is a bit lighter stress will be a bit lighter and I can also focus on me more. I've also started practicing yoga more often. Grief takes time. If you know someone going through this, recognizing their grief and allowing them to grieve is what they need from you, if it means they talk about it ad nauseam, allow it.

The one thing I truly hope is this darkness dissipates and I can be joyful again. I just really need that now. I wish no one would have to go through this process, ever.

IVF again?

Last week I emailed the nurse from the fertility clinic because I have leftover medication and I very much want to be rid of everything from IVF. She wants me to hold onto it until I've fully decided I don't want IVF. So now I'm rethinking these things. There is literally only one thing that makes me want to try IVF again and that's the ability to control the situation more. We would know how many eggs would be developed, we would know if there's an embryo placed. When it's just life, you never know and who likes that?

So, I've been rethinking this whole thing again. But there's so many more cons. The emotions. OMG, I cannot go through that again. I was so anxious. If I did try IVF I would have to try other things to eliminate the anxiety and stress. I would have to do so much differently.

The scheduling everything around shots. Or dragging them with me. And the bruising.

We think we'll be getting our money back from the medications, and I've nearly spent all of my out of pocket maximum on insurance so it wouldn't cost a whole lot to go through another cycle. But, and this is the biggest but... the quality of my eggs decrease with IVF. My egg quality already sucks, which is why my chances are so low. And the doctor really did agree that the chances of IVF and naturally conceiving are basically the same.

My husband says whatever I want to do, and I know he'll be supportive, but I also know that he wouldn't do this if he were in my shoes. It's nuts to even think about it. And I know that. So literally the only reason I'd go through IVF would be to be in control of this situation that I have no control over anyway. Which is dumb.

other options

So with infertility comes looking at other options. I met with a lady from DSS today to discuss foster care and adoption. Ideally, we would be able to adopt a child who's ready for permanent placement. Ideally, the child would be younger. Ideally, that child would have little trauma history. Ideally, ideally, ideally. I'm also aware that ideal is not likely. What will come will come. However, this lady was so negative I walked out of there crying.

I'm a social worker, I know how and why children come into care in DSS. I know that the system is not perfect. I know that it's a challenging calling. I also know that if I didn't have fertility issues I likely would still have considered foster care/adoption. So, when she's sitting there telling me all about how it's unlikely we'll be able to adopt from foster care in the county, that even adopting an older child may not happen and that all the children have a ton of trauma history it's opening up healing wounds. I know it's going to be a process. I know that it's not going to be all positive and rainbows and roses. I do know that DSS worker also says that we don't have enough foster care parents in the county and that they send kids out of county. I also know that there are kids who need permanent placements, and forever families. It's good to be reminded, but I really don't think this should've been her focus. It was painful. And she was so burnt out from her job it showed. I never wanted to work at DSS as a social worker, and my life never led me in that direction, so I can only imagine what her work-life is like.

I did speak with a colleague after this and she had a lot of helpful comments and suggestions. We begin our training in July. It's a week long training that begins the process, which includes home visits, medical sign-offs, financial inspections, etc. Once we're approved for the county we're approved for the state, and also any child out of state who is approved to move.

I'm excited about this prospect, but also a bit overwhelmed. One step at a time...

last insurance hurdle?

I truly hope this is the last insurance hurdles anyway. Last night I received a promising phone call from Ashley, the supervisor from my pharmacy insurance assigned to my case. Here's the thing... Ashley can't see anything that I've sent to claims because the claims department is their own entity in which no one can speak to, email, contact, etc. even apparently inside the company. So, Ashley has been working "blindly" on my case with the faxes I originally sent that were processed and denied.

So last night the conversation goes something along the lines of:
First, the usual conversation about what dates and drugs I want reimbursed. This is literally the exact same conversation I have with everyone from insurance company and it's kind of getting super old.

Ashley: well, it seems they're requesting the National Drug Codes and Menopur was recently denied because... huh, well, um... because... (trying to figure it out)

Me: I've sent them the NDC numbers at least 3 times now. I'm not sure what more they want. First they wanted the NDC number with day supply. I sent that. Then they want the NDC number with strength and name. Now, they're saying they need the NDC number again. I'm super confused.

Ashley: Okay, so the NDC number needs to come directly from the insurance company, on the original invoice.

Me: Well, someone could've told me that 3 faxes ago.

Ashley:  Yeah, I think this is why I was put on your case, I specialize in this and the rules just changed.

Me: Thanking her profusely. I also was denied because I used an out of network pharmacy, but I sent an appeal letter for that....

Ashley: I can push that through

So yay! This was the second most promising phone call I've had with the insurance company. She immediately contacted the pharmacy (who needs a release of information from me) and then requested me to send her directly all the faxes I've previously sent (okay, she actually didn't say all, I just faxed her 3 which was still more than she asked, but I'm so, so tired of dealing with this I'd rather her have more information than not enough). So this morning, I scanned everything in and emailed to the pharmacy and the insurance company. Hoping and praying that this is my last hoop, my last hurdle and reimbursement will be sent.

My next step is getting rid of all the medications that I have leftover. I need to dispose properly of some of them. Dispose properly of all the needles, the pen, etc. (how?) And then donate one of the medications that I didn't get to use since I didn't implant. That one is kind of hard to do. I want to hold out hope that I will still need that medicine, maybe there will be a miracle and I'll need the extra progesterone and estrogen to help my body keep the embryo. But I think I need to let go. I need to let go of this hope completely. I need to accept this so I can move on.

Dreading Mother's Day

I really dreadMother's Day. I'm perfectly fine giving my mom a card and gift in appreciation for what she has done for me. And I enjoy doing that. And I'm also happy for all the moms that get appreciated that day. I just really dread this day so much. I fear this year is going to be more painful than ever.

What I dislike about Mother's Day:

• How it seems like women are failures if they aren't a mother. Too many articles, memes, videos, etc. state "today is a day for women." See meme. Nope. Not true. It's a day for mothers, not all ladies. Not at all. And not all mother's are ladies/female/women.

• 
• I  dislike the whole "every woman is a mom in some sort of way." No, being an aunt is completely different than being a mom. Being a nanny is completely different than being a mom. Struggling with infertility, I want to be a mom so much that I spent nearly half a year's pay to try to have a kid with only 12% chance of success. I don't want a consolation prize that I'm an auntie. No. It doesn't work that way. Appreciate me for being an aunt or for being a good friend to your kids on another day.

• And Mother's Day sympathy "we are with you as you struggle." Fantastic. I truly appreciate your support and those who have been supporting me throughout the entire process have been AMAZING! Those who learned of the struggle recently, so appreciated. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. But again, I'm not a mother and I want Mother's Day to be about mothers and appreciating mothers. I may be the only person who feels this way, but this is how I feel. I want your support when you can provide it. If that's Mother's Day, fine, but most likely it's more of an afterthought of Happy Mother's Day and to those who can't be or don't want to be mother's oh right it's kinda your day too I guess... we've got you.

• When memes, sayings, etc. differentiate the different types of moms. Foster moms are moms pure and simple. Adopted moms are moms pure and simple, there needs to be no differentiation between what type of mom you are. 

• Church on Mother's Day. Oh, I just don't go. Haven't been for years. I just can't swallow that day in church. It's painful. It's dreadful. It's hurtful. Pastors try to include all women, but again, for me it just makes everything worse. Even before I knew I was infertile, even before I was trying to have kids, even before I knew I wanted kids- it's just not the place for me on this day.

• Finally, the sexist reason I dislike Mother's Day. Men are not treated this way on Father's Day. They are unbelievably praised for saying "hi"to their kids which is ridiculous. They may exist, but I do not see the ridiculous amount of memes about how Father's Day is for all men. However, Father's Day has it's own issues with memes primarily racist and transphobic memes. 

So, Happy Mother's Day. I mean that. But recognize that this day is incredibly painful for many people, for many reasons in ways not to diminish the appropriate recongnition. I understand people don’t know what to say or are uncomfortable so do what you need to do. I didn't discuss losing a mother, or losing children, because that's not my story. I also didn't get into the cis and heteronormism of differentiated days...

weekly appeals

Not a lie. This is my appeal paperwork. Every week I'm contacting insurance to appeal their denials. Every week my slowly healing wounds have to be reopened because I have to look back at the paperwork, I have to remember why I was taking this medication, I have to talk with people who have absolutely no empathy. No that's a lie... 2 weeks ago I finally reached someone who had sense, a supervisor who finally provided me with a case number and said that my case will now be monitored by supervisors. Last week I received a phone call from a nice lady updating me (with absolutely no new information, but it was still nice). This week I received yet another piece of paper stating that what I've provided in the past wasn't enough. Come on now... this is getting ridiculous:

 

Let me start from the beginning, if you don't recall, my medications were denied by insurance. Due to the medication being time sensitive, my husband and I figured out a way to pay for the medication. Then, I became angry. Angry at so much, but decided to take it out on insurance. Thanks to HR assistance, I was informed that indeed my medication should've been covered. Hence the appeals.

Appeal 1: fill out form with medication and dates. Done. Denied.

Appeal 2: Provide NDC numbers. Done. Denied.

Appeal 3: Why didn't you use an in-network pharmacy? Letter written. Not sure exactly what happened with that because...

Appeal 2.5: We didn't receive the fax with the NDC numbers. Refaxed. Denied.

Appeal 4: NDC numbers needed again with name of medication and dosage. Completed today. 

6 weeks of jumping through ridiculous hoops. 6 weeks of wounds being reopened. I should be completing my first trimester. Instead I'm fighting insurance for an unsuccessful IVF round.

They now inform me how I can avoid this... but of course I'm not going through IVF again
(see previous blog). The kicker of all this is that there's not a number in claims. I have to go through people who don't have access to claims and they only find out the outcome. So frustrating.

Overall, my mental health is pretty good. I'm accepting and working through this. There are moments of days I'm down, but most days are just normal. This insurance stuff sucks. 

I am grateful that the guy I talked to a couple weeks ago pushed everything through. 

Babies everywhere

Now I really get people will continue having babies and I can’t. And it doesn’t bother me much. Most of the time.

Today there was a baby shower at work that I went to and I’m happy for the family. I’ve always hated baby showers but I live through them. Mostly because there’s food. I literally could throw up with the games. I tolerate showers. I didn’t have a wedding shower for this reason. I considered it because I thought some people might feel hurt because I didn’t have it but then I realized it’s my life. Anyway, I already just tolerate showers, but I truly am happy for my coworker. However, someone brought their baby. It was like a double whammy of hurt. Ok cute little baby clothes I can remove myself mentally but then a freaking baby. And one that I know was created due to IVF. Well that’s a pain I didn’t expect.

The pain that I constantly have is that there’s one lady who’s pregnant who I struggle with whether she really should have kids. She also has 2 kids, (foster?)  who were just given to her and there’s no way they were given to her in a legal capacity given a criminal history. So this lady who I barely knows keeps popping up in my Facebook feed because we share friends. This is a hurt I hate. Because I don’t want ill feelings towards this lady. I don’t want that negativity in my life. But it’s there. She may have changed. But why can she beat a child and be given infants to raise when I can’t. It’s realky unfair. And that unfairness is what hurts. And it will always hurt. The hurt will hopefully lessen with time. It’s also a judgment that’s not mine. It’s hard to be completely removed from attachment. Non-attachment and non-judgment are two principles of yoga which I need to continue practicing. They’ll come with time. Right now I just want to go home, have a good cry and curl up because that’s about all my brain can handle.

Insurance woes

Well, the good news of insurance paying for the IVF medication isn't quite as good as I thought it was. We've been denied twice now. First it was due to lack of information, which I provided, then it was due to the pharmacy being out-of-network. I contacted them today to discuss the issue and, once again, was crying on the phone to insurance. How do I explain in a letter that I was planning on paying out of pocket but then I found out that they covered the medications so they owe me and basically screw them? I've never had it easy with insurance. I went through a ridiculous amount of appeals with my TMJ, and still ended up paying a lot of money out of pocket. Now, I'm fighting this. The thing is, that it's just super frustrating to think that I'd have some money back, and have to go through appeal after appeal to the point where I doubt I'll get reimbursed. And with every appeal is another opening of a wound that I've been working on closing. I just want this chapter over. How much more can I fight for something that won't be coming anyway? How much more can I fight for something that simply isn't happening? How much more do I have in me? Not enough. My anger throughout the IVF process has really dissipated. Now, I'm just frustrated and sad.

I honestly wish that we never went through the process. I should've looked at that 12% and said there's no reason to try. I honestly wanted to look into adoption soon, but don't even have that in me anymore. I see no reason to try to have kids. I just have so much damn heartbreak right now that I just want to crawl in a little hole and never come out. This is what each denial is doing to me. It's breaking my heart and soul more and more. Maybe I should tell that to insurance. But they won't care. Who cares anymore about anything?

Diary of the broken-hearted

Things that come with finding out that I am likely never having my own child, my own biological piece of me:
Never knowing if the child would look like me
Would they have my personality or my husband’s
Would they be passionate like I am but with his laidback attitude
Would they be head strong
Could our personalities mesh in a human and allow that human to bring amazing things to the world
What would our child look like?
Would they have my mother’s patience? My grandmother’s compassion? My temper?
My terrible eyesight or his amazing eyesight
Would they become attached to a security blanket
How about athletic? I’m clumsy and he’s agile. We are both muscular and strong.
We both love to dance but I have no rhythm and am silly whereas he’s serious and fairly good.
We are both great singers.
What traits would be passed on?

We will likely never know.

What did I ever do to deserve this pain? This type of heartbreak that can only come with finding out that I’m barren. Why is this happening? What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is bull. This won’t kill me but it won’t make me stronger. It alters dreams. It alters hopes. It’s a pain that feels so real and tangible that at times it feels like my gut is going to rip right open and my heart will pour out in all the tiny pieces. It’s a pain some people get and we’re a community of kindred broken souls. But it’s a pain many people don’t get. And why should they? Sure, there’s other ways to become a parent. But telling me to get over it or stop isn’t helping. It’s my life. It’s how I process. I’m grieving this loss. Allow me that.

It’s our anniversary today. A silly one that likely I wouldn’t have recognized if I didn’t see a post from Facebook last year, 18 months.
18 months of wedded bliss. And that’s true. We are happy and in love. But the last 4 months have been rough. They’ve been stressful and have tested each of us in our own ways. We continue on. There were days we grabbed each other tighter. There were days he left me alone because one or both of us needed time. But we are surviving. We will rise up. We will carry on. Hopefully for 18 million more months.

Diary of an officially barren woman

Well, we had our follow up visit with doctor. The title of this post says it all. I have a very small chance of conceiving, even with intervention. The doctor explained 4 options:

A) New protocol, with probably the exact same results, he expects about a 3% chance of conceiving with this option. It would require more shots, all the same tests, all the same visits. When I say 3% chance, I heard 1-3%, my husband heard under 5%. I'm not sure which one is correct, nor did we end up following up, because under 5% chance is incredibly low. The only difference is that the goal of this is to not have a dominant egg, as I apparently did in the first round. But even with only 4 eggs, and only one retrieved, the dominance wasn't much, and he's not at all positive that my eggs would be viable regardless.

B) Same protocol, but lower dosages. This would be a shot in the dark. He would expect the same results as above. I'd have less shots, less hormones.

C) Adopt

D) Egg donor. $30k. Out of pocket. But hey, it's money-back guarantee.

I asked what happened with the embryo and he said that due to not producing many eggs, my age and the fact that I already have a depleted egg reserve, my eggs are likely going to continue to make abnormal chromosomal embryos and not develop further.

I said that it seems our chances are just as likely trying on our own. The doctor actually agreed. He said, you can try DHEA with your prenatal (until forever?!). He actually isn't sure if CoQ10 is as effective as his colleague believes. But, he just in general wasn't positive.

He said "If you have the money and the mental/emotional stability, you can try again." I don't think I have the mental/emotional stability, and until we get our money back from insurance, we don't have the money either. So we now have a new path to parenthood, and/or altered hopes and dreams. There's always that incredibly slim chance I get pregnant without intervention, but it's so slim I really am not even thinking about that option. The doctor actually thanked us for taking the news so well. He said he's gotten threats before. People really put a lot into IVF and I can see how they would take it out on the doctor, but from the beginning, he was honest and upfront with us and never did I have high expectations (the most excited moment was when I received the call that the egg fertilized as I really didn't expect that at all). I tried to be optimistic throughout all of it, but I also had to, for the sake of my sanity, remain realistic.Though, anyone who knows me, already knows that I'm not a very optimistic person, because I do look at things realistically. I think this does help with the downfalls of IVF, especially the big ones and the outcomes that were expected. In the beginning we only had a 12% chance of success. That's incredibly low odds and now they're even lower.

There were two things that could've been said today: the above (there's really no reason to continue IVF) or try again. I kind of expected a bit of relief from hearing that there's really no reason to continue. A relief that I can move on and don't have to hold onto this hope of a slim chance of conceiving. A relief that I won't have to worry throughout an entire pregnancy. A relief that I'm allowed to not try anymore. I expected that relief to feel like a weight lifted off of me. It didn't. It really didn't.

I spent Tuesday night crying pretty hard again once I fell into bed. I expect there will be moments of grief. I expect there will be more tears. But we will get through this.

We have amazing support through all this and I can't be more grateful for that. And my husband is beyond wonderful and my rock.

My friend Heidi said it best. We put it in a meme.

no transfer

Well, we had an embryo, for a couple days, but it didn't develop at all beyond the fertilized stage. It was trying, it did stay alive, but just didn't divide into any further cells. I got the nurse phone call Friday afternoon. She seemed still positive that this may not be a bad thing. But the chances of it developing based on a little research is slim to none. Transfer still scheduled for Saturday morning.

Saturday morning we got the phone call that the embryo still hasn't developed. But we can still do the transfer. I'm really not sure why. My husband and I discussed and the clinic will watch it over the next couple days and see what happens. My thing is, if it does develop- why hasn't it already. That would be a red flag that something is developmentally wrong. Lots of crying today. It's hard to get out of bed and just live like everyone else. For whatever reason, the clinic still wants me to continue meds and had a transfer appointment scheduled "just in case." The doctor I spoke with said there's a 0% chance if we go through with transfer for the embryo to develop.

Throughout the day my emotions were all over the place. This whole process is so very stressful. The unexpected emotion that came out of this has been anger. I'm a little angry about having to go through this, but mostly anger that has been directed towards people who have been irritating me and I've been ignoring it. For example, I have a "friend" who hasn't spoken to me since October. I'm so angry at her for not telling me what's going on, whether it just her or something I did. I'm angry at people for never visiting me. I'm angry at someone because of their shitty parenting. I want to yell at them all! I want to scream at them. I just don't care anymore. Seriously. I almost am willing to burn bridges to release this anger. My husband says to do yoga, but I know that won't help. I don't know what will help. If anything. It sucks. It sucks so much.

Luckily, Sunday, I had previous plans to spend the day with a friend, so for part of that day I was distracted. But I'm still not myself. I don't know if I'll ever find happiness again.

Today, it was confirmed that the embryo disintegrated. Poor thing, died in a lab by its lonely self. It tried, but it wasn't meant to be. I don't even think you can call it and embryo. It was a fertilized egg, it didn't even become a zygote, or more than one cell. We have our follow up appointment scheduled next Tuesday.

So, just now, I decided to take my anger out on insurance and fought with them (with the help of HR) and WON! So, that's a huge relief. HUGE. I really hope it officially gets approved by insurance without issue. Now, just to wait for approval from insurance, my reimbursement and future plans.

Egg retrieval

Egg retrieval was a bit stressful for me. Everyone is so nice, I'm not sure why I'm always nervous. I need to seriously get this under control.

The night before one of my friends came by the hotel and chatted with me for a while. That was really nice.

The day of the retrieval was okay. We got there and did our thing. The only thing that really sucked was the lady next to me after my retrieval was so nervous she was nearly hyperventilating. Which makes me more nervous. Then the doctor came in to tell me they only got one egg. That's super disappointing. Especially considering that he didn't seem very positive about my success in further treatment. So trying to be positive, but more crying. This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through.

We got a phone call the next morning that the egg is fertilized. Fingers crossed.

IVF week 3 partial update

Sunday I got to see the doctor during my ultrasound. Egg retrieval will be this week. Tomorrow's appointment will be the determining factor. On Friday I had to order extra Menopur to get me through today then I'm pretty much out of medication... a couple drops of Follistim and Lupron is all that's left.

Monday morning was my last tummy shot. My ultrasound showed 3 good eggs. This is not a lot, but this was a huge hump for my body to get over.  So, if you recall the statistics from a while ago. There was only like a 40-50% chance of having the egg retrieval. So now the humps to get over are viable embryo and healthy, full-term baby. My husband got a parting gift at the doctor this morning- a cup. This was the first appointment he came into the ultrasound with me (neither of us see much reason for him to be there, but it was always up to him).

The nurse called me with my trigger shot instructions. TONIGHT! 11:30PM exactly!!!! No, EXACTLY! No lie, they're very specific on this.

I go to bed at like 9pm so I set an alarm for 11:15. It scared the crap out of me! And I really mean that. I go set everything up. The trigger shot is a mixture, similar to Menopur, but not as easy. It really is super difficult to do. I have a very specific time, not a lot of liquid to get into this needle. I started crying. I should've woken up a little earlier. We did the shot approx 11:32 I think. I also struggled falling back to sleep, thanks probably to the adrenaline of being scared out of my mind.

The needle is HUGE. But the shot didn't hurt that badly. My bottom is a little sore from putting a needle and medicine in my muscle.

It's also supposed to storm again. So I talked my husband into going to the hotel connected to the clinic the night before the egg retrieval to eliminate that anxiety. It's an expense I'm willing to suck up, right now my sanity is more important. No free hotel breakfast though since I can't eat after midnight.

So, tomorrow is my egg retrieval. Send prayers and thoughts our way.

IVF week 2

I'm writing this in retrospect rather than during the week.

Saturday morning I had lab work and ultrasound done. For the ultrasound she only checked out that cyst. The nurse was kinda irritated that she didn't really count the follicles, but I go back Monday.

I went to the event with my friend. I ended up bringing my medication and left it at her house while we did yoga and meditation. Which was SO needed it's ridiculous. We ended up getting back to her house with about 15 minutes left for the hour window.

My headache has dissipated a lot throughout this week. I am also going to be honest that the time restraints are kind of a pain. I got used to it, but I feel very tethered to my home, especially during the evening.

I'm also super, duper sensitive. As a being, I'm generally sensitive, but the medication is making my sensitivity very real and close to the surface. I partly wonder if I'm using it as an excuse to allow myself to cry... but mostly I think it's due to the medication and excessive stress.

Monday morning we determined my cyst is shrinking and I've got a few follicles that are growing. I also have hit my anxiety threshold. I tend to be a worry-wart or anxious person, but this is chronic and excessive. I'm trying very hard to remain calm. It's hard.

Tuesday I went on a walk with a friend cuz it was nice outside and my anxiety still remained super high.

At my lab draw/ ultrasound appointment Wednesday I talked to the NP and MA about it and they said that it's good I'm noticing that the anxiety is out of control cuz it helps that I can try to do something. I've tried yoga, walking, meditation, tapping (tapping does seem to help, but my brain just won't shut off). I find going to the gym makes everything worse and I had to take my Fitbit off so I can't see my heart rate which due to the anxiety is a little higher than usual, which makes me more nervous... so I took it off for now. That helped. Honestly, typing about the anxiety is making me nervous again. You get the idea. I also don't want the anxiety to affect follicles growing, etc.

Friday I had another lab draw/ultrasound. There's a storm brewing in the area so I had my husband drive me. They told me I'll be monitored daily. But then the nurse called and said I don't have to go back until Sunday. Thank goodness because the storm was ridiculous.

So the biggest take-away this week is my anxiety. I need to get it under control.

IVF week one

I'll say that week one starts on Saturday when I have my baseline blood draw and ultrasound completed.

Saturday: My lovely husband drove with me to the clinic. On weekends (and surgery days) our normal clinic is closed so we have to drive about an hour to the next one. Hubby was one of like 3 men in the waiting room. He's a good one. I was so nervous I was up at about 1am. I've been pretty on edge in general so a good night's sleep has alluded me for a while now. So we go to the clinic... wait a little while (I was one of the last times they take so I didn't have to wake up super early on a Saturday), and go back to get my stuff done. Quick and easy. The lab tech was super nice and calmed me down. I was pretty nervous still for some reason. They found a cyst, but didn't seem to think it was a big deal (I later got a phone call from the nurse confirming that).

A while ago, before all the stress, before all the money stuff... he wanted to take me to the beach this weekend. So we were still doing that (for one night only now). After the appointment we headed to the beach. I tried to relax and finally Sunday when we went to the boardwalk, to the sandy beach (though chilly) and saw the ocean, my stress finally dissipated enough to be able to breathe. We got home and I stayed that way. Still had issues sleeping, nervous about the shot, but slept pretty well, so all-in-all, I'm doing better.

Monday: First shot day! The first shot is Lupron microdose. It's just a vial and a needle. I have to align it to 20 ml. He was there for moral support. We got it done. I took off work today, so I was able to relax after the shot. Now I just need to get to my second shot of the day (again Lupron). My menses also started today so I'm kinda crampy and blech.

Tuesday: Shots again. I'm getting the hang of this. Only thing is that I've got the worst cramps I've ever had (or had for quite some time). I really don't want to go to work, but need to. They don't let up until after 1p. I simply felt awful all day and a headache started to develop in the evening.

Wednesday: Today I start 2 new shots- Follistim and Menopur. I'm on pretty high dosages. Unfortunately, I wake up at 1am with a tremendously bad headache (which lasts all day long). AM shots took over 20 minutes. We didn't realize the Follistim pen doesn't come with a cartridge in it (we practiced with Gonal-F which apparently comes started?) so we had to figure that out. We had to watch and rewatch a video explaining how to put it together (which I've already watched numerous times leading up to this week). But finally we were done.

PM is Menopur. I'm on 3 dang vials of this powder so we have to remember how to mix them all up and stuff. My husband reads the instructions while I do it. We make a decent team. This shot was hard to push! Definitely will need to get used to this.

This is draining. And this headache is literally awful.

Thursday: My headache seems much duller, but still hanging out. Shots didn't take too long this morning. Outside of that I can definitely feel something happening in my lower abdomen. Hopefully it's follicles developing and becoming healthy and supple and fertile. It's kinda like when you have gas and also like you've got to pee- when your stomach gets heavy. It's not that bad, but I definitely can feel something different down there. The headache came back in the afternoon. I tried pushing caffeine back and probably shouldn't have. I've also been drinking as much water as I can tolerate. My boobs are kinda starting to hurt though. Not sure if that's common.

Again, I'm feeling fatigued (starts in the afternoon). I'm not sure if it's lack of sleep catching up to me, the meds, or this dang headache (which is better than yesterday, but it's still annoying. I didn't take Tylenol today since it doesn't seem to help anyway). It cold also be the weird weather I suppose.

So, this is most of week one. Saturday night I'm doing my shots at a friend's house because we have a yoga thing to attend that ends during shot time. I could probably try to drive home, but I don't want to stress about that. Catch-22 of stress I guess.

medications arrived!

And our car is having maintenance issues. When it rains it pours.

My husband says this is life. I'm trying to not break down again. I went to yoga yesterday and today I'm headed to a fitness class. I must stop stressing. I need to win the lottery. Again, I ask- wanna help fund us?

This is super overwhelming. I got confused and already emailed the nurse like 3 times. I start injections Monday. Not sure exactly what the future holds, one day at a time- right? This isn't all of them- have more in the fridge. Yep... I guess it's starting.

pre-IVF

So the next steps during the BCPs are to:
learn about shots
order medication

First, I called to schedule our "shots class," which by the way is not called shots class and when you call the front desk and say "I need to schedule the shots class" you confuse the person scheduling. So alas, I scheduled the shots class. Prior to shots class, I received the numerous prescriptions... I've got 7, so I called around to pharmacies. We're putting that conversation on pause.

So my husband and I both have a good sense of humor. We are taking the shots class with stride yesterday. I'm doing all the hands-on stuff, except the trigger shot needle- which by the way is HUGE. And apparently I am a bit violent with the needles and the practice skin. Both the nurse and my hubby said "you do realize you're doing this on yourself, right?" because I was quite heavy handed. Well, I said my hubby may do them for me, but apparently he's not sure about that. Okay fine. So we get done with shots class. I don't feel nervous. Although my stomach is in knots. I've got this.

I get a phone call from pharmacy #2... "your insurance doesn't cover infertility shots." WHAT?!?!? Yep, my insurance covers the procedures, but not the medication required to have the procedures. Total bullshit. Why? I seriously ask you, why????

So, I call my insurance to discuss this and she's all on the phone telling me "we just don't cover injections." I wanted to yell and scream. Then she says "also we need to update your phone number." Literally, you just gave me some shitty ass news and you want to then check my contact information?? Not one of my best moments, I hung up on her and cried and cried. And cried and cried some more.

Mind you, I'm at work. Mind you... I have a meeting at 3pm that I need to get to without puffy eyes. Mind you I'm losing it. I call my hubby who says "stop crying. You're at work. We'll discuss later. It'll be okay."

I ran into some coworkers, who now know more information about my private life than I'd ever want to give them. I also brainstorm how the f*** I'm going to be able to pay for these meds. That are supposed to be stabbed into my stomach MONDAY.

I make it through the day, somehow. Get home and bawl. I mean just lose it. My husband gets home right after I do and is like "well, I came home to talk to you about our options..." So I finally pull it together. And we discuss. And we discuss. And we look at our finances (I really wish my loans were paid off). And our FSA- okay, we can afford it. Barely. One round. One round. One 12% chance round. Literally, all my old, fragile, decrepit, minimal eggs in one basket. Needless to say, I slept awful once again. Woke up at 3a for no reason and then at 4a was bawling again. My husband, lovely, patient man, sat by my side while I had another breakdown. This is hard. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm so stressed. This is not what we needed at all. There's so many what ifs. And I'm trying so hard to be positive (which is hard for me in the first place). And I'm trying so hard taking one day at a time. It's a trying time.

I just got off the phone with a lady telling me how much the "discounted" medications are since we are paying out of pocket. She's so nice and lovely. At least there's that. Tomorrow I have to pay for it and she'll overnight it. Medications coming from California. Some refrigerated will be arriving soon. This is happening.

I also tried to donate blood today and was turned away because my blood pressure was too high.  I need to get my shit together. This stress is not good for me at all.

Anyone want to help fund us?

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman: Part 7

So today I start birth control. In the world of irony, my period was late. Again. I think it's due to the stress because I've never been so irregular in my life. But of course I've been on BCP forever trying to prevent both cancer and pregnancy. So, here I am trying to have a baby and they put me on BCP.

I also feel like maybe my body was listening to the NP who said I should take the coQ10 pre-conception vitamins for at least 2 months leading up to egg retrieval. Well, it'll be well over 2 months now.

So, I called the nurse and said, okay I started AF. She said start BCP Saturday and I'll send you a schedule for the month within the week. So I guess it begins. The start of my IVF cycle.