And yet another rough weekend

This weekend was the roughest I've had in a while. The ex-friend who ghosted me... and then eventually broke up with me after I reached out, is pregnant. So this was a double whammy of pain. This person hurt me. Badly. I had to grieve over the loss of a friendship at the same time of grieving through infertility. I know that I shouldn't hate, and hate is a strong word, but I really do hate this person. I detest her. I guess this is a stage of grief, right? Anger. I'm at that stage. At least when it revolves around this person. I don't know when it'll lift. If I need it to lift. I do, because it's hard to move on when feeling this type of anger. It's hard to be a good person feeling this type of anger.

I'm continuing to journal and process through Book of Joy, and it continues to tell me to positively reframe. My massage therapist says that when someone leaves your life it's to allow someone new to come in. A person has a limited number of people, of energies, they can accept. It's still hard. It's still hurtful. And I'm thinking such painfully selfish thoughts it makes it worse. I almost don't want to write them, and maybe it makes me a terrible person to think these things, maybe it proves I don't deserve any friends. I don't know. Or maybe someone else is out there thinking selfish things like this and feels alone... so here you go... here's my thought:

Someone, who I don't feel is a very nice person, avoided friends for months on end, will have a baby shower. And I will never, ever get one.

She got what she wanted. What happened to karma? And then my thoughts... I don't deserve anything for having these thoughts, for thinking about this. For not being happy for them. My first reaction really was that I was happy for them. I know they've wanted a child for a long time. But then the sting. And this time the sting won't go away. I don't want to put this much negative energy out in the world. I want to move on with my life. I want to be happy and content with my lot. But knowing about this particular pregnancy is killing me. It's just one of those very unfair things that goes along with infertility.

I really don't think it helps that I also realized if IVF had worked... I'd be due.