breakdowns and grief

It's been a really rough month, hell- it's been a really rough winter/spring. My husband has been super supportive, but I really don't think he quite understands what I'm going through and why I'm so emotional. I *think* I may finally be coming out of depression. I realized I was actually depressed earlier this month, or late April. Straight up clinical depression if I were to diagnose myself.

I also came out on Facebook with this blog and my friends have been unbelievably supportive. It's also nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. I've tried really hard to get through all of this with a few supportive friends and family. And they've been great, but no one understands what this is like unless you've been through it. It also super hurts when people say "yeah, this happened to my friend and she now has 5000 kids." Sigh. I know you don't know what to say, but this process is different for everyone. And I'm 40. Yeah, maybe I could have some random litter of children, but let's be honest. I'm likely not. Yes, I still can hold out hope that my body will decide to produce one viable egg one month and miraculously I carry that child full-term. That hope will always be there, probably until menopause. But I also needed to grieve. And I don't think people get that.

On mother's day I confirmed my suspicions that my neighbor, who I encountered at the end of my last IVF cycle at the fertility clinic, is pregnant. I haven't been able to look towards their house since I found out. It hurts. It triggers me so much. Why them and not us?

I was talking to someone about IVF, my infertility, and my thoughts. They were like "stop talking about this." I'm like "this is my life, I can't stop talking about this." Again, someone who hasn't been through this does not get it. I didn't understand until I went through it. Sure, I had friends who were going through IVF and I was supportive, but was I supportive enough? I'll never know. I hope I was as supportive as they needed.

I've also lost a friend through this whole process. My understanding is this friend may be going through the same thing. She hasn't spoken to me since October. I reached out for months, but had to give up when I started the IVF process in February. I needed to focus on me. I don't know why I lost her and why she ghosted me, but I tried to be a friend. Losing this friendship is also adding to my grief and depression.

I've cried so many times in the past few months I think I'm running out of tears. I've had so many unexplained breakdowns it feels like darkness inside of me that won't release. I want it to release so badly. I want to feel happy without faking it. I want to be able to live my life without this darkness dragging me. I also really, really don't care anymore. I want to give up, not like suicidal, but just give up. I feel no joy. I don't have a whole ton of hope. My coworkers have noticed over the last few months how I've been. Some of them know what's going on, others don't. One person surprised me by saying she's concerned about me because I'm not my usual joyful self and I haven't been for months. Another coworker simply calls me out and is like "I really thought vacation would be helpful, you're worse than you were." I know.

I also know myself well enough to know that eventually this darkness will dissipate and if it doesn't I'll need to do something. I know talk therapy wouldn't be helpful because I've done all the analyzing I need to do. I have the insight. I don't have behaviors I need to change. I have accepted my infertility and at this point am grieving. And this grief will take months. I hope no longer than months. But there might always be a small part of me grieving that child that never was. I probably will never stop wondering, what would our child be like. What I probably need is an energy cleanse or something similar to that. Or just time. We'll see what happens. Now that my job is a bit lighter stress will be a bit lighter and I can also focus on me more. I've also started practicing yoga more often. Grief takes time. If you know someone going through this, recognizing their grief and allowing them to grieve is what they need from you, if it means they talk about it ad nauseam, allow it.

The one thing I truly hope is this darkness dissipates and I can be joyful again. I just really need that now. I wish no one would have to go through this process, ever.