Babies everywhere

Now I really get people will continue having babies and I can’t. And it doesn’t bother me much. Most of the time.

Today there was a baby shower at work that I went to and I’m happy for the family. I’ve always hated baby showers but I live through them. Mostly because there’s food. I literally could throw up with the games. I tolerate showers. I didn’t have a wedding shower for this reason. I considered it because I thought some people might feel hurt because I didn’t have it but then I realized it’s my life. Anyway, I already just tolerate showers, but I truly am happy for my coworker. However, someone brought their baby. It was like a double whammy of hurt. Ok cute little baby clothes I can remove myself mentally but then a freaking baby. And one that I know was created due to IVF. Well that’s a pain I didn’t expect.

The pain that I constantly have is that there’s one lady who’s pregnant who I struggle with whether she really should have kids. She also has 2 kids, (foster?)  who were just given to her and there’s no way they were given to her in a legal capacity given a criminal history. So this lady who I barely knows keeps popping up in my Facebook feed because we share friends. This is a hurt I hate. Because I don’t want ill feelings towards this lady. I don’t want that negativity in my life. But it’s there. She may have changed. But why can she beat a child and be given infants to raise when I can’t. It’s realky unfair. And that unfairness is what hurts. And it will always hurt. The hurt will hopefully lessen with time. It’s also a judgment that’s not mine. It’s hard to be completely removed from attachment. Non-attachment and non-judgment are two principles of yoga which I need to continue practicing. They’ll come with time. Right now I just want to go home, have a good cry and curl up because that’s about all my brain can handle.