I've had quite a few thoughts over the last month or so about what to write. And of course, for whatever reason, I haven't written.
But the thoughts that have gone through my head in the last few days are as follows:
I'm not sure how to feel about the CT shooting. Sadness, of course. Anger, fear, hopelessness? I don't know. I always say the majority of people are good. And they are. We board a plane, have to take off our shoes, make sure our liquids are a certain size, go through a scan that basically shows us naked. All because about .00001% of the population think it's a good idea to blow up a plane. I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to. Seriously. What the hell would I hide in my shoes? and how? And liquid? what? But we all have to do it.
And every time I wonder... is there someone here who really would get caught? I mean, at this point, they know the screenings. Some people are pure evil. I've seen the eyes of evil. It's scary. I've seen the eyes of crazy, that's scary.
A new era is coming. 12/21/12 is not the end of the world. It's the end of an era though. The changing of energies. We are moving into a more spiritual realm energy. This link explains more http://www.seri-worldwide.org/id435.html
Say what you want about this, but if the world doesn't explode, or apocalypse, or whatever on Friday don't you want to hope that we are entering an era of peace, of unity. I do. I will take time on Friday to meditate, to open my heart, to accept the change in energy and send out positive vibes.
What happened last Friday was tragic and there seems to be more and more violence lately. All over the world. Maybe this Friday will begin a transformation. You can say that Friday's violence in CT happened because God wasn't in school. God was in school. The God I know is everywhere. You can say it was because of mental illness. Sure, but thousands of people throughout the world live with a mental illness daily and aren't destructive. You may say it's because the teachers didn't have guns to defend themselves and the children (I have a hard time with that one, but I will still write it). You may blame violent video games. You may blame guns in general. You may say, simply, it was evil. That it was. The country mourns for the loss of lives. It is tragic. Daily I mourn for the loss of lives. We, as a country, with my tax money continue to bomb and end innocent lives. This article portrays my daily heavy heart: http://www.policymic.com/articles/20884/is-america-like-adam-lanza-u-s-drone-strikes-have-killed-176-children-in-pakistan-alone
Many people wrote on Facebook regarding the tragedy. We mourn, we cry, we pray, we call our children's schools to find out their safety plan, we blame... Is this enough? Will things change? Will violence cease? Will peace prevail? What can we do? What will we do? What will you do? What will I do?
I will continue practicing peace. I will continue practicing compassion. I will continue to speak out for justice. I will speak out against violence of all kind. I will continue being a non-violent activist and pacifist. I will hope. I will pray. I will love.
About Me
- Robyn
- Social Worker, Writer, Volunteer, Reader, Friend, Daughter, Sister, Woman, Passionate, Compassionate, Social, Outgoing, Lives life, Yogini, Liberal, Music lover... all these things can describe me and more... I can either be put in a box or just be me. I am Robyn. Welcome to my hood :)
Monday, December 17, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
More Acts of Kindess...
I did a terrible job keeping track of specifics, but here's some more September Acts of Kindness' (AOK's) :)
13) I gave 2 more rides to the church girl
14) I gave a colleague a stamp
15) I held the door open
16) I held the elevator
17) Helped put stuff away at church
18) Carried a box of donuts and bagels from one building to another
19) Bought a friend breakfast
20) Caught up with an old friend
21) Went to take an elderly friend to get ice cream but she wasn't able to so visited with her. And will be taking her shopping next week.
22) Had a yoga session with a friend... helping her relieve stiff back/hips
23) Rather than getting frustrated... I breathed and went on with my day
24) Gave someone a compliment
25) Bought a drink for a friend
26) Listened, without judgement, opinion or solving the problem.
27-35 to be continued... Happy Kindness!!!!
13) I gave 2 more rides to the church girl
14) I gave a colleague a stamp
15) I held the door open
16) I held the elevator
17) Helped put stuff away at church
18) Carried a box of donuts and bagels from one building to another
19) Bought a friend breakfast
20) Caught up with an old friend
21) Went to take an elderly friend to get ice cream but she wasn't able to so visited with her. And will be taking her shopping next week.
22) Had a yoga session with a friend... helping her relieve stiff back/hips
23) Rather than getting frustrated... I breathed and went on with my day
24) Gave someone a compliment
25) Bought a drink for a friend
26) Listened, without judgement, opinion or solving the problem.
27-35 to be continued... Happy Kindness!!!!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Acts of Kindness... thus far
So I've kind of lost track of my acts of kindness so far throughout the month, but I'll try to remember them. I find a lot of them revolve around work, but I spend 1/3 of my life at work and 1/3 sleeping so...
Also, the more I focus on my own acts of kindness, the more acts of kindness I realize. Then I feel like my act of kindness is negated and I shouldn't count it. Be more mindful of this and I think you will notice the same.
1) I picked and dropped off my mother at the airport. Granted I would have done this anyway, but I did drive through Grand Prix traffic. And it sucked. But I'm so happy my mom came!!! (see act of kindness on her end)
2) I didn't run over the many people who seemed to just walk in front of my car without realizing they are walking in the street in front of moving cars. Yes, it would be illegal to run them over, however, the fact is I didn't lay on my horn. I didn't scream angrily at them. I just stopped and didn't hit them.
3) I offered to volunteer my time teaching yoga to an order of nuns. And I also volunteered to teach at a women's program. (2)
4) Picked up a girl for church. I also am trying to connect said girl to another friend because I think they'll get along and she is new to the area.
5) Printed stuff off for someone at work (granted this whole thing turned out to be a joke, but it was still going out of my way to do something). I also offer to help people on the regular, not at all for this list, but because I really like helping people because I know it sucks to be busy and how appreciative I feel when people help me.
6) Pointed out garbage that Marty was picking up. Okay. So this is Marty's really...
7) Bought a bag of chips for a coworker
8) Didn't pass the buck when I easily could have with a client (basically I did someone's job)
9) I have offered to meet with a VERY VERY VERY long winded client so that they don't end up on triage tomorrow. Seriously this should be worth all 35 AOK's!!!
10) I'm supporting some nonprofit nature thing in PA by "running" (ie- walking cuz jogging/running hurts!) a 5k on Saturday (yea so the $$ was paid in August but still....). I'm also walking one the end of the month (again money paid in Aug, but whatev's) (2)
11) I have tried to reach out to a couple long lost friends this month. I sure hope to get in touch with them. Not really sure if this is an act of kindness but it's always kind to know you have someone thinking of them... right?! I also have been conscious of wishing people well in general.
12) Referred people to a coffee company who's vision/mission I very much support: www.lucasroasting.com
Also, the more I focus on my own acts of kindness, the more acts of kindness I realize. Then I feel like my act of kindness is negated and I shouldn't count it. Be more mindful of this and I think you will notice the same.
1) I picked and dropped off my mother at the airport. Granted I would have done this anyway, but I did drive through Grand Prix traffic. And it sucked. But I'm so happy my mom came!!! (see act of kindness on her end)
2) I didn't run over the many people who seemed to just walk in front of my car without realizing they are walking in the street in front of moving cars. Yes, it would be illegal to run them over, however, the fact is I didn't lay on my horn. I didn't scream angrily at them. I just stopped and didn't hit them.
3) I offered to volunteer my time teaching yoga to an order of nuns. And I also volunteered to teach at a women's program. (2)
4) Picked up a girl for church. I also am trying to connect said girl to another friend because I think they'll get along and she is new to the area.
5) Printed stuff off for someone at work (granted this whole thing turned out to be a joke, but it was still going out of my way to do something). I also offer to help people on the regular, not at all for this list, but because I really like helping people because I know it sucks to be busy and how appreciative I feel when people help me.
6) Pointed out garbage that Marty was picking up. Okay. So this is Marty's really...
7) Bought a bag of chips for a coworker
8) Didn't pass the buck when I easily could have with a client (basically I did someone's job)
9) I have offered to meet with a VERY VERY VERY long winded client so that they don't end up on triage tomorrow. Seriously this should be worth all 35 AOK's!!!
10) I'm supporting some nonprofit nature thing in PA by "running" (ie- walking cuz jogging/running hurts!) a 5k on Saturday (yea so the $$ was paid in August but still....). I'm also walking one the end of the month (again money paid in Aug, but whatev's) (2)
11) I have tried to reach out to a couple long lost friends this month. I sure hope to get in touch with them. Not really sure if this is an act of kindness but it's always kind to know you have someone thinking of them... right?! I also have been conscious of wishing people well in general.
12) Referred people to a coffee company who's vision/mission I very much support: www.lucasroasting.com
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Birthday month...
September is my birthday month. I love my birthday month. I always loved September. To me September is about change and beginnings. The weather is changing... it's the beginning of fall. The leaves are changing, beautiful colors are everywhere. School's beginning for many people, and because of that anticipation, excitement and trepidation the energy is different in September. Most people start September off with a 3 day weekend. We begin pulling out the winter clothes... well depending where one lives... at least maybe boots- of some sort. We try to get the last of our beach days in.
Although I also enjoy the beginning of most seasons, so I guess maybe it's just that my birthday is this month.
I've also been thinking a lot lately about my last blog and how things need to change. My goal for the month of September is to do 35 acts of kindness, generosity, peace, compassion, love. I'm not setting down rules, but 35 acts will be completed by the end of September. I will blog about each of them, not as a way to brag, but mainly to make myself accountable. And maybe to see if this can give other people- you- the same idea and we can spread this positive energy.
Although I also enjoy the beginning of most seasons, so I guess maybe it's just that my birthday is this month.
I've also been thinking a lot lately about my last blog and how things need to change. My goal for the month of September is to do 35 acts of kindness, generosity, peace, compassion, love. I'm not setting down rules, but 35 acts will be completed by the end of September. I will blog about each of them, not as a way to brag, but mainly to make myself accountable. And maybe to see if this can give other people- you- the same idea and we can spread this positive energy.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
violence... and peace
The other day I posted on Facebook why is there so much unnecessary violence. Then I realized how redundant that verbage is. Unnecessary violence. When is violence ever necessary? Think hard about this. When is violence ever necessary?
There isn't. If you stated, well self-defense of course. Yes, self-defense is fighting violence with violence. Guess what, if violence wasn't done in the first place then self-defense wouldn't need to exist. See... when is violence ever necessary?
As a yoga practitioner the first tenant of yoga is ahimsa- nonviolence. I don't like to use words with a negative. So rather than saying nonviolence, say just ahimsa- peace. Peace as defined by wikipedia is: Peace is a state of harmony characterized by the lack of violent conflict and the freedom from fear of violence. Commonly understood as the absence of hostility, peace also suggests the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, prosperity in matters of social or economic welfare, the establishment of equality, and a working political order that serves the true interests of all. In international relations, peacetime is not only the absence of war or violent conflict, but also the presence of positive and respectful cultural and economic relationships. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peace
Have we, as a planet, ever had peace. Real true peace? Could it exist? I truly hope it can. And I hope sooner rather than later. I'm so frustrated by all this violence, all this hatred. What perpetuates this violence? Media, guns, religion, hatred, ignorance, mental illness, dis-ease, disease, greed, self-hatred, poverty, fear? The list could go on and on.
I know all the cultural, systemic ramifications of all of that. I also get that violence exists because of all of that, but WHY. And why can't those of us who want peace do something about it? Why can't we practice peace, understanding, open-mindedness, acceptance, justice, equality and change the world? Why? I read articles about meditating. Sure meditation helps one become peace, find bliss, etc, but how is that helping the world on a whole (okay I know how one person who is meditating is helping the world, the whole one small stone = ripple thing but clearly it's not working now)? Should we all meditate once a week at the same time so we can send the positive energy vibes out into the world? Maybe. Maybe that's one step. Did I lose some of you? Maybe, thinking I'm going kooky and all new-agey. Should we volunteer? Have peaceful protests? And if we had peaceful protests would people accept that and would we be allowed to just have marches for peace without an agenda? There's always an agenda. That's annoying. Why can't people gather in an area to promote peace? Just that. Simple, no marching and saying stop wars, etc. Just peace people. Spread the love. Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Asian, Indian, whatever culture, viewpoint, doesn't everyone want peace? Am I wrong to think that?
I feel like this blog is more questions than an answer. But help me understand. Personally I feel that there is more good in the world than not. Let's try to figure out a way to harness that and make the world an actual good place. Maybe this means random acts of kindness. Maybe it means helping decrease poverty. Even if by a little. Leave politics out of things. If you don't agree with something figure out how to counteract that positively.
Choose an option (or more than one):
1) meet with someone who doesn't share your viewpoint and discuss. Really have a discussion and have an open mind- both of you. Or research the other viewpoint and notice the feelings that arise. Ask yourself why they arise. Don't internalize the feelings, just accept them and then go to #3.
2) Don't judge: pray that you find peace within yourself and then pray for others to find peace.
3) Notice, really notice if it affects you, in your daily life, enough to seriously upset and bother you. If it does go to #1 and then seek professional help- nobody should be chronically tense like that.
4) See everyone as who they are. Beautiful beings in their own way.
5) Volunteer: somewhere that doesn't have any political ties, that you wouldn't normally volunteer at. Soup kitchen, runaway youth shelter, child care, crisis center/line, domestic violence shelter, NAMI (or 5a- go to a NAMI training), group home, hospice, hospital, you get the idea. Do something good. For no reason.
6) Random acts of kindness. Planned or unplanned. Write them down if you want and share them. Again, no political ties, just because.
7) Know that some people won't change their minds and accept that. If they are a big part of your life you may want to go to #1. If not, try not to bring up the issue when you see each other. If you realize you can live without this person cease the relationship.
8) Smile
Add your own....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkZC7sqImaM
There isn't. If you stated, well self-defense of course. Yes, self-defense is fighting violence with violence. Guess what, if violence wasn't done in the first place then self-defense wouldn't need to exist. See... when is violence ever necessary?
As a yoga practitioner the first tenant of yoga is ahimsa- nonviolence. I don't like to use words with a negative. So rather than saying nonviolence, say just ahimsa- peace. Peace as defined by wikipedia is: Peace is a state of harmony characterized by the lack of violent conflict and the freedom from fear of violence. Commonly understood as the absence of hostility, peace also suggests the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, prosperity in matters of social or economic welfare, the establishment of equality, and a working political order that serves the true interests of all. In international relations, peacetime is not only the absence of war or violent conflict, but also the presence of positive and respectful cultural and economic relationships. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peace
Have we, as a planet, ever had peace. Real true peace? Could it exist? I truly hope it can. And I hope sooner rather than later. I'm so frustrated by all this violence, all this hatred. What perpetuates this violence? Media, guns, religion, hatred, ignorance, mental illness, dis-ease, disease, greed, self-hatred, poverty, fear? The list could go on and on.
I know all the cultural, systemic ramifications of all of that. I also get that violence exists because of all of that, but WHY. And why can't those of us who want peace do something about it? Why can't we practice peace, understanding, open-mindedness, acceptance, justice, equality and change the world? Why? I read articles about meditating. Sure meditation helps one become peace, find bliss, etc, but how is that helping the world on a whole (okay I know how one person who is meditating is helping the world, the whole one small stone = ripple thing but clearly it's not working now)? Should we all meditate once a week at the same time so we can send the positive energy vibes out into the world? Maybe. Maybe that's one step. Did I lose some of you? Maybe, thinking I'm going kooky and all new-agey. Should we volunteer? Have peaceful protests? And if we had peaceful protests would people accept that and would we be allowed to just have marches for peace without an agenda? There's always an agenda. That's annoying. Why can't people gather in an area to promote peace? Just that. Simple, no marching and saying stop wars, etc. Just peace people. Spread the love. Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Asian, Indian, whatever culture, viewpoint, doesn't everyone want peace? Am I wrong to think that?
I feel like this blog is more questions than an answer. But help me understand. Personally I feel that there is more good in the world than not. Let's try to figure out a way to harness that and make the world an actual good place. Maybe this means random acts of kindness. Maybe it means helping decrease poverty. Even if by a little. Leave politics out of things. If you don't agree with something figure out how to counteract that positively.
Choose an option (or more than one):
1) meet with someone who doesn't share your viewpoint and discuss. Really have a discussion and have an open mind- both of you. Or research the other viewpoint and notice the feelings that arise. Ask yourself why they arise. Don't internalize the feelings, just accept them and then go to #3.
2) Don't judge: pray that you find peace within yourself and then pray for others to find peace.
3) Notice, really notice if it affects you, in your daily life, enough to seriously upset and bother you. If it does go to #1 and then seek professional help- nobody should be chronically tense like that.
4) See everyone as who they are. Beautiful beings in their own way.
5) Volunteer: somewhere that doesn't have any political ties, that you wouldn't normally volunteer at. Soup kitchen, runaway youth shelter, child care, crisis center/line, domestic violence shelter, NAMI (or 5a- go to a NAMI training), group home, hospice, hospital, you get the idea. Do something good. For no reason.
6) Random acts of kindness. Planned or unplanned. Write them down if you want and share them. Again, no political ties, just because.
7) Know that some people won't change their minds and accept that. If they are a big part of your life you may want to go to #1. If not, try not to bring up the issue when you see each other. If you realize you can live without this person cease the relationship.
8) Smile
Add your own....
Thursday, August 9, 2012
some facts
I've been writing blogs in my head for a month but with the move I have been incredibly busy.
So here's some random facts that I want to share:
1. I am a Virgo. My biggest Virgo trait is organization. Everything has to be organized, in place before I can feel at home. If things are not in place, et al, I am crabby. I still have 2 more shelves to hang. It's bothering me a lot. And I still don't have hot water in my bathroom sink. But alas I'm trying to not let that bother me.
2. I love celebrating my birthday. It's in a month. I don't know what to do for it.
3. Speaking of birthdays. I always love to wish other people birthdays via phone/text instead of Facebook. I feel it's more personal. So if you want a text/phone call/email I'll send you one on your birthday :) just need your info.
4. This past year has been hell. Up to about 2 months ago when things finally started falling into place for me. My past job was stressful, like not the job was hard. There were challenges. But like working in an organization that at any point in time I could show up for work and we'd be evicted. Like any day I could be laid off. Almost a year of that. Then I was finally laid off (see previous blog). I tried very hard to make the agency work and try to help the organization be more stable, but to no avail (like, I wasn't listened to...). The way I was treated... I'm not sure if I should be angry, or bitter. Some days I do feel a little bitter taste in my mouth when I think about it. But I want to let it go completely. And I should. I'm so content now.
5. I really feel that the climate of Milwaukee (all of WI?) is terrible for social workers. They really have no concept of how nonprofits can help, help the community, help the overall economy and overall work for the greater good. Yeah, that's pretty big, but it's true. The government doesn't seem to acknowledge this therefore there's no money. It's a systemic thing. I also noticed how many nonprofits in Milwaukee duplicate services, so they are all fighting for the same money. So the more duplicated services, the less money, the less social workers get paid, the less respect they feel, morale then sucks.
6. I truly feel more at home in Baltimore. I miss my family a lot. They are amazing and helped me through everything so much. Miss the kiddos climbing all over me. Their giggles. I miss my friends there. But even so I feel at home. I can't describe this feeling.
7. I miss my Bmore studio apartment so much. Always will. But I like my new apartment too - a lot. I guess 1 month doesn't really have the same homey feeling as 5 years ;)
Have a happy Friday! :)
So here's some random facts that I want to share:
1. I am a Virgo. My biggest Virgo trait is organization. Everything has to be organized, in place before I can feel at home. If things are not in place, et al, I am crabby. I still have 2 more shelves to hang. It's bothering me a lot. And I still don't have hot water in my bathroom sink. But alas I'm trying to not let that bother me.
2. I love celebrating my birthday. It's in a month. I don't know what to do for it.
3. Speaking of birthdays. I always love to wish other people birthdays via phone/text instead of Facebook. I feel it's more personal. So if you want a text/phone call/email I'll send you one on your birthday :) just need your info.
4. This past year has been hell. Up to about 2 months ago when things finally started falling into place for me. My past job was stressful, like not the job was hard. There were challenges. But like working in an organization that at any point in time I could show up for work and we'd be evicted. Like any day I could be laid off. Almost a year of that. Then I was finally laid off (see previous blog). I tried very hard to make the agency work and try to help the organization be more stable, but to no avail (like, I wasn't listened to...). The way I was treated... I'm not sure if I should be angry, or bitter. Some days I do feel a little bitter taste in my mouth when I think about it. But I want to let it go completely. And I should. I'm so content now.
5. I really feel that the climate of Milwaukee (all of WI?) is terrible for social workers. They really have no concept of how nonprofits can help, help the community, help the overall economy and overall work for the greater good. Yeah, that's pretty big, but it's true. The government doesn't seem to acknowledge this therefore there's no money. It's a systemic thing. I also noticed how many nonprofits in Milwaukee duplicate services, so they are all fighting for the same money. So the more duplicated services, the less money, the less social workers get paid, the less respect they feel, morale then sucks.
6. I truly feel more at home in Baltimore. I miss my family a lot. They are amazing and helped me through everything so much. Miss the kiddos climbing all over me. Their giggles. I miss my friends there. But even so I feel at home. I can't describe this feeling.
7. I miss my Bmore studio apartment so much. Always will. But I like my new apartment too - a lot. I guess 1 month doesn't really have the same homey feeling as 5 years ;)
Have a happy Friday! :)
Friday, July 20, 2012
I'm still clumsy in Bmore
So within 5 minutes of being in Baltimore I fell into a hole. Yes, a hole. It's connected to a drainage grate and of course Emily said, watch out for the hole. And of course I fell into it anyway. Basically my entire right leg. It's scratched and bruised and my left knee has been killing me since, but I don't think much damage was done. Or so I hope. (I bet there's a rat family down that hole that I scared- maybe they'll move far, far away)
Yesterday I called DPW to inform them that there's a hole that a small child could fall into. DPW transfers me to 311 who says they'll check it out and within 30 minutes call me back and say that it's on my property and I have to get it fixed. I'm all like I don't own property, I just wanted the city to know that I fell into a hole and you should probably figure out how to fix this. They want me to figure out who owns the property and have them fix it. I told them that since the property is most likely the park department's therefore the city's then they should probably just put the info in the system and let them know themselves. Nope, not happening. Whatever, as my cellphone really doesn't work (boy do I HATE CREDO MOBILE- never, never get them!) this follow up is not going to happen anytime soon and I sure hope no one else falls into this hole...
So Baltimore... my skin and blood is now a part of you...
Yesterday I called DPW to inform them that there's a hole that a small child could fall into. DPW transfers me to 311 who says they'll check it out and within 30 minutes call me back and say that it's on my property and I have to get it fixed. I'm all like I don't own property, I just wanted the city to know that I fell into a hole and you should probably figure out how to fix this. They want me to figure out who owns the property and have them fix it. I told them that since the property is most likely the park department's therefore the city's then they should probably just put the info in the system and let them know themselves. Nope, not happening. Whatever, as my cellphone really doesn't work (boy do I HATE CREDO MOBILE- never, never get them!) this follow up is not going to happen anytime soon and I sure hope no one else falls into this hole...
So Baltimore... my skin and blood is now a part of you...
Monday, July 2, 2012
moving on...
The universe generally sends some subtle signs. If you don't see those subtle signs then I guess it gives you a kick in the butt. I received that kick. As many of you know... I've been considering moving back to Baltimore for the past year.
This is how it went down:
Beginning of June I received an email from a previous supervisor basically stating that I should submit my resume to a place in Baltimore. I did. An interview was scheduled.
Less than a week later, I received an email from another previous Baltimore supervisor asking me to come back. I spoke with her the following Monday and wanted a week to decide (it is a big decision to move...).
The next day I had a phone interview with Place #1, but I was still leaning toward my previous place of employment.
I did a lot of research, soul searching, talking to family/friends, etc. I decided on Wednesday - Happy Birthday Em!!!- to definitely go back to my previous place of employment. It just felt like the right decision. I scheduled a meeting to speak with my bosses at my current place of employment for Thursday to talk with them about everything.
Thursday I call my supervisor to accept the job, left a voicemail message and then met with my current supervisors.
They are acting weird.... I am being laid off. As of immediately. I made the right decision. Truly. This just confirms the fact.
The following Saturday my bff called me up and said, I think I found you an apartment. As of now, I've been approved and just waiting on a couple things. It seems my current landlord is cool with letting me out of a lease. Just need to find a renter. I have movers scheduled. I'm moving in approximately 2 weeks. Whoa!
So... yeah, I take that as a kick in the butt... all the way to Baltimore!
This is how it went down:
Beginning of June I received an email from a previous supervisor basically stating that I should submit my resume to a place in Baltimore. I did. An interview was scheduled.
Less than a week later, I received an email from another previous Baltimore supervisor asking me to come back. I spoke with her the following Monday and wanted a week to decide (it is a big decision to move...).
The next day I had a phone interview with Place #1, but I was still leaning toward my previous place of employment.
I did a lot of research, soul searching, talking to family/friends, etc. I decided on Wednesday - Happy Birthday Em!!!- to definitely go back to my previous place of employment. It just felt like the right decision. I scheduled a meeting to speak with my bosses at my current place of employment for Thursday to talk with them about everything.
Thursday I call my supervisor to accept the job, left a voicemail message and then met with my current supervisors.
They are acting weird.... I am being laid off. As of immediately. I made the right decision. Truly. This just confirms the fact.
The following Saturday my bff called me up and said, I think I found you an apartment. As of now, I've been approved and just waiting on a couple things. It seems my current landlord is cool with letting me out of a lease. Just need to find a renter. I have movers scheduled. I'm moving in approximately 2 weeks. Whoa!
So... yeah, I take that as a kick in the butt... all the way to Baltimore!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Dear Wisconsin,
I want to have a chat with the State of Wisconsin.
I have lived within your state for 4 years, nearly 5 now. I was originally here back in 1999-2000 knowing it was a temporary station in my life, but also relishing my first "big girl job." I liked WI, a lot. Except for the cold and very long winter. I relished the outdoor activity, loved the fact that we could go to Minneapolis on a spur of the moment. It was just fun. I, however, knew I was moving on and joining a volunteer service the following year, so I said good-bye and moved on. I have lived in 5 states in my adult life. Wisconsin is the only one that I have a volatile relationship with.
I moved back to Wisconsin in 2008 for grad school. I had no idea where I'd be after grad school. I stayed. I have never lived in a state that does construction on the exact same roads every single year... Wisconsin, do you duct tape the roads or something? I don't understand how the same road needs construction every year? I also don't understand why you have so much road construction... it really seems like a WI thing. Makes no sense to me. I guess you're providing jobs to people... I don't know. Maybe if the train would've actually happened there would be more jobs, less construction.
That's another thing. I have never lived in a state where people are so afraid of change. Like the high-speed rail. Why is WI so against public transportation? Things move at snails pace here. It reminds me of the church I grew up in. Every year we have a conference and every year important issues get tabled. That feels like Wisconsin. I don't like what Walker did to the state, and the changes he made kind of set us back like 50 years, but at least changes were made... and it made people realize that there needs to be change so they stood up. Let's see what happens next week...
Now onto the summers here. I love the weather here. Yes, it gets freezing cold in the winter (well, usually), but that can be dealt with. The summers here are beautiful. They are amazing. However, every summer since I've lived in Milwaukee I have had turmoil of some sort. Today is June 1. Not really the beginning of summer, but the beginning of summer months. I hurt myself earlier this week, it was getting better then I did something stupid and re-injured my back. I woke up today in EXCRUCIATING pain. All week I've dropped everything I pick up. It's also just in general been a crappy week. Please don't give me another crappy summer! The first summer I was here I got in a terrible bicycle accident, the second year I had knee surgery, last year I was looking for a job. I deserve a lovely summer. Today I came into work and found out that insurance has gone up. So now I'm making even less money at work when I'm struggling already to pay bills. This summer, at this point, does not look favorable to me. I can easily laugh all this off and say that yes, I'm clumsy. That yes, I may have some bad luck but in so many ways I am very blessed. But I'm, right now, blaming it on Wisconsin. So, dear Wisconsin, please start making my life easier... there are 49 more states I can move to if you don't.
Thanks, :)
I have lived within your state for 4 years, nearly 5 now. I was originally here back in 1999-2000 knowing it was a temporary station in my life, but also relishing my first "big girl job." I liked WI, a lot. Except for the cold and very long winter. I relished the outdoor activity, loved the fact that we could go to Minneapolis on a spur of the moment. It was just fun. I, however, knew I was moving on and joining a volunteer service the following year, so I said good-bye and moved on. I have lived in 5 states in my adult life. Wisconsin is the only one that I have a volatile relationship with.
I moved back to Wisconsin in 2008 for grad school. I had no idea where I'd be after grad school. I stayed. I have never lived in a state that does construction on the exact same roads every single year... Wisconsin, do you duct tape the roads or something? I don't understand how the same road needs construction every year? I also don't understand why you have so much road construction... it really seems like a WI thing. Makes no sense to me. I guess you're providing jobs to people... I don't know. Maybe if the train would've actually happened there would be more jobs, less construction.
That's another thing. I have never lived in a state where people are so afraid of change. Like the high-speed rail. Why is WI so against public transportation? Things move at snails pace here. It reminds me of the church I grew up in. Every year we have a conference and every year important issues get tabled. That feels like Wisconsin. I don't like what Walker did to the state, and the changes he made kind of set us back like 50 years, but at least changes were made... and it made people realize that there needs to be change so they stood up. Let's see what happens next week...
Now onto the summers here. I love the weather here. Yes, it gets freezing cold in the winter (well, usually), but that can be dealt with. The summers here are beautiful. They are amazing. However, every summer since I've lived in Milwaukee I have had turmoil of some sort. Today is June 1. Not really the beginning of summer, but the beginning of summer months. I hurt myself earlier this week, it was getting better then I did something stupid and re-injured my back. I woke up today in EXCRUCIATING pain. All week I've dropped everything I pick up. It's also just in general been a crappy week. Please don't give me another crappy summer! The first summer I was here I got in a terrible bicycle accident, the second year I had knee surgery, last year I was looking for a job. I deserve a lovely summer. Today I came into work and found out that insurance has gone up. So now I'm making even less money at work when I'm struggling already to pay bills. This summer, at this point, does not look favorable to me. I can easily laugh all this off and say that yes, I'm clumsy. That yes, I may have some bad luck but in so many ways I am very blessed. But I'm, right now, blaming it on Wisconsin. So, dear Wisconsin, please start making my life easier... there are 49 more states I can move to if you don't.
Thanks, :)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
love is just love
I woke up this morning with this blog in my head. Before I found out about NC. Before I found out about Obama's announcement.
When I was in my late teens... I really can't remember my exact age... 18 probably.
Mom: your [family member] is a lesbian
Me: which one?
skip that part and forward to the rest of the conversation
Mom: She's getting married
Me: when? we can go right?
Mom: I actually have no idea what she said... but it was probably along the lines of I don't know or something
Me: We have to go. [Family member] is getting married. She's family. We have to.
I thought nothing of the fact that she was a lesbian. I don't recall having any emotion. It just was.
I was watching United States of Tara the other day (I am SO addicted to this show) and the son came out to his dad...
Son: I'm Gay
Dad: Good
I personally feel that sexuality is on a spectrum. I can be attracted to a woman, this does not make me a lesbian or bisexual, it's just that the person is physically attractive. You hear it all the time "I have a girl crush on..." Granted men don't tend to say something along the lines of "I have a boy crush on..." but we are wired differently. And I have a hard time believing that 100% of heterosexual men do not have some sort of attraction to the same sex. Sorry. I don't.
I simply don't understand why people don't want to "believe" in homosexuality or want to fight against it or whatever. I don't. It actually makes me sick. If someone wants to use the Bible... I can debate that point ad nauseam... I can pretty much debate every argument. How about child rearing? Yeah, we'll go there... how many heterosexual couples have homosexual kids? Exactly.
I read an article that most people who disagree with LGBTQ rights don't know someone who identifies within the LGBTQ spectrum. That I believe. If someone you love and care for comes out eventually most people come around and continue loving and caring for that person. They also feel that person should obtain the same rights we have. They're called rights for a reason. What's just? What's true? Is it just if you're denying someone to visit their dying partner? Is it just that when I marry a man I will be assured to obtain his insurance, pension, etc, but my family member won't? Is it right that I will never have to fight for the children that I raise because my partner birthed them? Is it just that there are children suffering in the foster care system when gay, lesbian, queer, transgender couples want to adopt them and provide safe, consistent, loving homes?
What's wrong with loving someone? Anyone? Same sex... Opposite sex... Genderqueer... Intersex... Transgender.... I think nothing. I think that the more love in the world the better. People will be happier. What's wrong with a little happiness? As long as it's a consensual, equal, loving partnership go ahead- love away. What the world needs now is love sweet love.
When I was in my late teens... I really can't remember my exact age... 18 probably.
Mom: your [family member] is a lesbian
Me: which one?
skip that part and forward to the rest of the conversation
Mom: She's getting married
Me: when? we can go right?
Mom: I actually have no idea what she said... but it was probably along the lines of I don't know or something
Me: We have to go. [Family member] is getting married. She's family. We have to.
I thought nothing of the fact that she was a lesbian. I don't recall having any emotion. It just was.
I was watching United States of Tara the other day (I am SO addicted to this show) and the son came out to his dad...
Son: I'm Gay
Dad: Good
I personally feel that sexuality is on a spectrum. I can be attracted to a woman, this does not make me a lesbian or bisexual, it's just that the person is physically attractive. You hear it all the time "I have a girl crush on..." Granted men don't tend to say something along the lines of "I have a boy crush on..." but we are wired differently. And I have a hard time believing that 100% of heterosexual men do not have some sort of attraction to the same sex. Sorry. I don't.
I simply don't understand why people don't want to "believe" in homosexuality or want to fight against it or whatever. I don't. It actually makes me sick. If someone wants to use the Bible... I can debate that point ad nauseam... I can pretty much debate every argument. How about child rearing? Yeah, we'll go there... how many heterosexual couples have homosexual kids? Exactly.
I read an article that most people who disagree with LGBTQ rights don't know someone who identifies within the LGBTQ spectrum. That I believe. If someone you love and care for comes out eventually most people come around and continue loving and caring for that person. They also feel that person should obtain the same rights we have. They're called rights for a reason. What's just? What's true? Is it just if you're denying someone to visit their dying partner? Is it just that when I marry a man I will be assured to obtain his insurance, pension, etc, but my family member won't? Is it right that I will never have to fight for the children that I raise because my partner birthed them? Is it just that there are children suffering in the foster care system when gay, lesbian, queer, transgender couples want to adopt them and provide safe, consistent, loving homes?
What's wrong with loving someone? Anyone? Same sex... Opposite sex... Genderqueer... Intersex... Transgender.... I think nothing. I think that the more love in the world the better. People will be happier. What's wrong with a little happiness? As long as it's a consensual, equal, loving partnership go ahead- love away. What the world needs now is love sweet love.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Haikus
For some reason I want to write some haikus... haven't done this since elementary school but sure why not...
Haiku to yoga:
Yoga feels like the summer
rain relaxing sound
helps to eliminate stress
Haiku to fun:
Roller coasters speed by fast
Spring air is here now
Let us go ride at Six Flags
Haiku to art:
Music is harmonious
Dancing is lively
Pictures are a thousand words
Haiku to laughter:
Some people laugh with a snort
Smile is all you need
Just use your belly and laugh
Okay I must go to bed
It is really late
Hump day is almost here
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Baltimore versus Milwaukee
I moved from Baltimore to attend school in Milwaukee. This decision was surprisingly easy to make. I think I was ready for change. I knew I needed to attend school to further my career and this was the right step for me at the time. I said some very sad good-byes to my friends who have become my family. I quit my job, which I loved. I quit teaching yoga, which I loved. I simply really loved my life in Baltimore. Except my family was hundreds of miles away and I rarely saw them. I took one last look at my apartment (that was hard, I loved, loved, loved my apartment) and I moved.
Since moving to Milwaukee I attended and graduated from school. I found a job. I have a couple good friends here (and one in IL). I'm closer than ever to my family, including extended family. My nephew is the love of my life and I get to see him nearly every month. However, I'm not fully myself here. I simply don't feel like myself. There's just something missing. And I think it's my friends.
People ask me which city I love more and I can't tell them. They are completely different cities. People in Milwaukee are nicer than people in Baltimore (sorry, it's true there's a harshness about people there). Milwaukee's cleaner in general. Baltimore has more diversity, more things to do outside. Milwaukee has great summer festivals. Milwaukee has cold winters (or usually they do). Baltimore has sweltering summers.
So where am I going with this? Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is bliss. I spent a week in Florida trying to figure out bliss... happiness, contentment, and it leads me back to my location. Is my bliss in Milwaukee or Baltimore? It simply comes down to Family versus Friends. Literally. I cannot decide. Granted I have a job in Milwaukee. Yes, I'd have to get a job there, but these are factors that can be controlled. This whole topic makes me cry every single time I think about it. I'm tearing up now. For no reason at all. I can't figure it out. I am so ridiculously torn between staying in Milwaukee and trying to find a job and moving to Baltimore. It's kind of who matters to me more... family or friends and I cannot answer that question. I'm not unhappy here, it's just that I'm not satisfied. And I don't think I ever was. Would I be satisfied in Baltimore though? or is it something internal that isn't right? Again, questions I can't answer. Going back to Baltimore would mean only seeing my family once a year. Revolving vacations around family visits. That sucked. A lot. Staying here means not seeing my friends but once a year. They are my family too. I still don't get to see most of them when I visit once a year. It's hard.
When I moved here, it really was an easy decision. I didn't know if I was going to stay after I graduated (honestly, I don't think I expected the economy to affect jobs this much and I thought finding a job would be easier, but that's a whole other topic). Why is staying here such a hard one?
The one thing that made me start thinking more about this is kind of weird, but when I lived in Baltimore most of my friends were vegetarian. It was easy to find vegetarian food there. I had no problems. It is not easy being vegetarian in WI. I have never had so many people say to me "being vegetarian is not healthy." I am one of those vegetarians where I do not care if meat touches my veggie burger or if there's meat broth in a soup. I am vegetarian for ethical reasons. I simply don't think I could kill an animal and then skin it, cook it and then eat it. I just don't think I could, therefore why should I eat it. I don't force my beliefs on anyone. I would never tell someone that what they're eating is unhealthy, or why eating meat is unhealthy or all the crap they do to the animals or what they put in meat to process it. It's not who I am. I HATE it when people do that to me. It's unfair, being vegetarian is a choice that I made and I don't ever judge people's choices. I'm at the point where if one more person says this to me I will move back to Baltimore. Just to be away from this mindset. If a doctor would tell me that I need to eat meat, that's one thing. But for a friend or family to tell me I should start eating meat is really starting to piss me off. So there's reason #1 to move... vegetarianism.
Since moving to Milwaukee I attended and graduated from school. I found a job. I have a couple good friends here (and one in IL). I'm closer than ever to my family, including extended family. My nephew is the love of my life and I get to see him nearly every month. However, I'm not fully myself here. I simply don't feel like myself. There's just something missing. And I think it's my friends.
People ask me which city I love more and I can't tell them. They are completely different cities. People in Milwaukee are nicer than people in Baltimore (sorry, it's true there's a harshness about people there). Milwaukee's cleaner in general. Baltimore has more diversity, more things to do outside. Milwaukee has great summer festivals. Milwaukee has cold winters (or usually they do). Baltimore has sweltering summers.
So where am I going with this? Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is bliss. I spent a week in Florida trying to figure out bliss... happiness, contentment, and it leads me back to my location. Is my bliss in Milwaukee or Baltimore? It simply comes down to Family versus Friends. Literally. I cannot decide. Granted I have a job in Milwaukee. Yes, I'd have to get a job there, but these are factors that can be controlled. This whole topic makes me cry every single time I think about it. I'm tearing up now. For no reason at all. I can't figure it out. I am so ridiculously torn between staying in Milwaukee and trying to find a job and moving to Baltimore. It's kind of who matters to me more... family or friends and I cannot answer that question. I'm not unhappy here, it's just that I'm not satisfied. And I don't think I ever was. Would I be satisfied in Baltimore though? or is it something internal that isn't right? Again, questions I can't answer. Going back to Baltimore would mean only seeing my family once a year. Revolving vacations around family visits. That sucked. A lot. Staying here means not seeing my friends but once a year. They are my family too. I still don't get to see most of them when I visit once a year. It's hard.
When I moved here, it really was an easy decision. I didn't know if I was going to stay after I graduated (honestly, I don't think I expected the economy to affect jobs this much and I thought finding a job would be easier, but that's a whole other topic). Why is staying here such a hard one?
The one thing that made me start thinking more about this is kind of weird, but when I lived in Baltimore most of my friends were vegetarian. It was easy to find vegetarian food there. I had no problems. It is not easy being vegetarian in WI. I have never had so many people say to me "being vegetarian is not healthy." I am one of those vegetarians where I do not care if meat touches my veggie burger or if there's meat broth in a soup. I am vegetarian for ethical reasons. I simply don't think I could kill an animal and then skin it, cook it and then eat it. I just don't think I could, therefore why should I eat it. I don't force my beliefs on anyone. I would never tell someone that what they're eating is unhealthy, or why eating meat is unhealthy or all the crap they do to the animals or what they put in meat to process it. It's not who I am. I HATE it when people do that to me. It's unfair, being vegetarian is a choice that I made and I don't ever judge people's choices. I'm at the point where if one more person says this to me I will move back to Baltimore. Just to be away from this mindset. If a doctor would tell me that I need to eat meat, that's one thing. But for a friend or family to tell me I should start eating meat is really starting to piss me off. So there's reason #1 to move... vegetarianism.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
America... the healthcare nut
Congress is arguing about birth control and the "experts" are priests and other male clergy (in the religious right, no less). When seriously, the MAJORITY of people use birth control... and the rest are what having 20 children before age 40 and televising it for entertainment. Right. This seems okay.
The conservatives in this country call the Affordable Care Act "ObamaCare" and basically say that it's a load of crap before they even read into it. (and if you read into it and disagree that it can't ACTUALLY HELP then please let me know exactly why) I feel that it's not comprehensive enough. Not even close. But I truly want to thank Congress for that. If FDR hadn't died... we'd have a totally different country. But I'm not going there right now.
I'm going to tell you a story and I hope the person who's story I'm telling doesn't mind. There was a car accident. A young boy (like 11 I think) was allowed to drive a pick-up truck in farmtown USA, on a 55 mph highway. This kid hit another car, severely hurting the driver. The driver of the car has had extensive surgeries, and recovery and now has taken out her entire retirement savings to pay off medical bills. They have insurance. Insurance in this country has serious issues. Have you tried navigating the insurance system? If not, it's a really fun time.
Well, so there you have it, an accident can cause you to go broke. A middle-class family. Not someone who's "living off the system."
So Congress, while you are having a conversation about whether women should have the privilege to obtain birth control. Look at yourselves and actually ask if this is actually a necessary argument. It's not. The US is screwed up enough when it comes to healthcare.
The conservatives in this country call the Affordable Care Act "ObamaCare" and basically say that it's a load of crap before they even read into it. (and if you read into it and disagree that it can't ACTUALLY HELP then please let me know exactly why) I feel that it's not comprehensive enough. Not even close. But I truly want to thank Congress for that. If FDR hadn't died... we'd have a totally different country. But I'm not going there right now.
I'm going to tell you a story and I hope the person who's story I'm telling doesn't mind. There was a car accident. A young boy (like 11 I think) was allowed to drive a pick-up truck in farmtown USA, on a 55 mph highway. This kid hit another car, severely hurting the driver. The driver of the car has had extensive surgeries, and recovery and now has taken out her entire retirement savings to pay off medical bills. They have insurance. Insurance in this country has serious issues. Have you tried navigating the insurance system? If not, it's a really fun time.
Well, so there you have it, an accident can cause you to go broke. A middle-class family. Not someone who's "living off the system."
So Congress, while you are having a conversation about whether women should have the privilege to obtain birth control. Look at yourselves and actually ask if this is actually a necessary argument. It's not. The US is screwed up enough when it comes to healthcare.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Job hunting sucks!!!!
I spent nearly 6 months out of last year job hunting. It sucked so much. Now the agency I currently work at is having financial difficulties and the staff is unsure how much longer we will have jobs. Hence, I am back to job hunting. I HATE job hunting. I'm sure everyone does, but considering it took me so long to find my perfect job and I'm in it and I don't want to not be in this job, but circumstances are beyond my control I now have to job hunt.
I despise the fact that my resume doesn't speak for itself and I have to do cover letters and/or extra applications (really my resume and cover letter isn't enough you ALSO need what is essentially a resume on your own format?!?! is that really necessary?) I understand that this blog is out in the stratosphere of the internet and anyone can see it. And after reading this blog you feel that I am not going to be a good worker or something then you are quite wrong. And you are missing a good employee. I kick ass as an employee. I work hard and work to better the agency in any way possible. You are missing out!
This is going to be my new cover letter I think:
To Whom It May Concern:
Please hire me. I need a job. I'm applying to this one because, as you can see by my resume, I have the job qualifications. If you think I don't for whatever reason then give me a call or email, I will respond in a timely manner. If someone else has more qualifications, then fine hire them. I need a job. If I don't get a job then I suppose eventually I will be homeless. The economy sucks. I get that. You have a lot of job applicants. I get that too. Good luck with the employee search. That probably sucks just as much as job hunting.
Feel free though to stop here. I work hard. I have good references. Again, you can see my qualifications. If I wasn't qualified or knew I couldn't do the job I wouldn't be applying. I am a quick learner and have worked with so many different people that I can pretty much work with every personality. I think I'm nice. I take constructive criticism and try to better myself.
Since I have a degree in social work I am not in the world to make money, but to affect positive change in the world. However, I have a master's degree, hence I have master's degree student loans that need paying back (as well as my undergrad loans). I need enough money to make some sort of living and also pay those back. I would also prefer not to be working when I'm like 80 so I'd like to have some sort of retirement, since we all know social security won't exist 50 years from now. So if the salary could just represent that I'd be thrilled. Also, because our country doesn't have an adequate health care plan that includes covered insurance I need good insurance benefits. If you can't cover that then I guess that doesn't work for me, and I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
Again, good luck in the job search and I hope that you find someone who will fit into the position. I could be that person. And you'd be done.
Thanks.
I despise the fact that my resume doesn't speak for itself and I have to do cover letters and/or extra applications (really my resume and cover letter isn't enough you ALSO need what is essentially a resume on your own format?!?! is that really necessary?) I understand that this blog is out in the stratosphere of the internet and anyone can see it. And after reading this blog you feel that I am not going to be a good worker or something then you are quite wrong. And you are missing a good employee. I kick ass as an employee. I work hard and work to better the agency in any way possible. You are missing out!
This is going to be my new cover letter I think:
To Whom It May Concern:
Please hire me. I need a job. I'm applying to this one because, as you can see by my resume, I have the job qualifications. If you think I don't for whatever reason then give me a call or email, I will respond in a timely manner. If someone else has more qualifications, then fine hire them. I need a job. If I don't get a job then I suppose eventually I will be homeless. The economy sucks. I get that. You have a lot of job applicants. I get that too. Good luck with the employee search. That probably sucks just as much as job hunting.
Feel free though to stop here. I work hard. I have good references. Again, you can see my qualifications. If I wasn't qualified or knew I couldn't do the job I wouldn't be applying. I am a quick learner and have worked with so many different people that I can pretty much work with every personality. I think I'm nice. I take constructive criticism and try to better myself.
Since I have a degree in social work I am not in the world to make money, but to affect positive change in the world. However, I have a master's degree, hence I have master's degree student loans that need paying back (as well as my undergrad loans). I need enough money to make some sort of living and also pay those back. I would also prefer not to be working when I'm like 80 so I'd like to have some sort of retirement, since we all know social security won't exist 50 years from now. So if the salary could just represent that I'd be thrilled. Also, because our country doesn't have an adequate health care plan that includes covered insurance I need good insurance benefits. If you can't cover that then I guess that doesn't work for me, and I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
Again, good luck in the job search and I hope that you find someone who will fit into the position. I could be that person. And you'd be done.
Thanks.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
What am I meant to do?
Today in therapy I was discussing how I have no idea what I want to do with my life... at this point I don't want to go back to school. I simply want to find something that makes me happy and feel fulfilled.
So my therapist pulls out a questionnaire to help me find it I guess... here's my answers (I don't have the questions so I have to try to remember what the questions were):
1) What makes me happy: Yoga & belly dance- they make me content and energized
2) What energizes me (besides above): building with people (this is hard to explain... and I don't want to get into it basically making plans and ideas), advocacy, public speaking
3) What helps me relax: Generally letting go... listen to music, just general spacing
4) What uplifts me: working toward a goal, or meeting that goal
5) What am I most enthusiastic about: Yoga
6) Most passionate about: Empowering others
7) What makes me feel most like myself: Shopping (and I said this with more enthusiasm and happiness than I answered any other question apparently)
8) What do I want others to get from me (I think something like that...): My open heart and that I'm real
9) What are my strengths: Getting to the bottomline, bluntness, and passion
10) What is my paradise: to be surrounded by family and friends; and/or have an overwhelming feeling of compassion and uplifting others
11) What do I want out of life: fulfillment, no regrets
12) What do I want others to get from me: being supportive, non-judgmental
13) What do I want for the world (or something like that): Justice
14) If money was no object what would I do: be President... but that would be a job I hate... Why? because I want to affect change I guess the President really doesn't have that power... so maybe Senator? IDK... Maybe Queen of the World!
This is my therapists notes: Making the world place vision & being more in touch with body, shopping, connecting to self and others and bringing joy...
This was her comment: you are a very unfocused visionary.
Yep. So what would be my ideal job? What would make me happy? I really like the idea of being Queen of the World... I do have leanings to politics... How would I do this? Thoughts? Ideas? What do you think I'd be good at?
So my therapist pulls out a questionnaire to help me find it I guess... here's my answers (I don't have the questions so I have to try to remember what the questions were):
1) What makes me happy: Yoga & belly dance- they make me content and energized
2) What energizes me (besides above): building with people (this is hard to explain... and I don't want to get into it basically making plans and ideas), advocacy, public speaking
3) What helps me relax: Generally letting go... listen to music, just general spacing
4) What uplifts me: working toward a goal, or meeting that goal
5) What am I most enthusiastic about: Yoga
6) Most passionate about: Empowering others
7) What makes me feel most like myself: Shopping (and I said this with more enthusiasm and happiness than I answered any other question apparently)
8) What do I want others to get from me (I think something like that...): My open heart and that I'm real
9) What are my strengths: Getting to the bottomline, bluntness, and passion
10) What is my paradise: to be surrounded by family and friends; and/or have an overwhelming feeling of compassion and uplifting others
11) What do I want out of life: fulfillment, no regrets
12) What do I want others to get from me: being supportive, non-judgmental
13) What do I want for the world (or something like that): Justice
14) If money was no object what would I do: be President... but that would be a job I hate... Why? because I want to affect change I guess the President really doesn't have that power... so maybe Senator? IDK... Maybe Queen of the World!
This is my therapists notes: Making the world place vision & being more in touch with body, shopping, connecting to self and others and bringing joy...
This was her comment: you are a very unfocused visionary.
Yep. So what would be my ideal job? What would make me happy? I really like the idea of being Queen of the World... I do have leanings to politics... How would I do this? Thoughts? Ideas? What do you think I'd be good at?
Friday, January 20, 2012
generation... in between?
For some reason I've been thinking a lot about what generation I fit into. I took a class last year that spent a couple weeks focusing on the generations and there are 2 generations that I could fit into based on the year I was born: Generation X and Generation Y or the Millennial Generation. I could fit into both which means that I fit into neither as well. I suppose I'm more X than Y based on my experiences and the experiences of Gen Y, but it's this strange in between that we all feel. We don't fit into the X's because we were brought up on computers more, we all had a computer in our elementary school somewhere... sure it was "for special occasions," you couldn't do much with it, and it was kind of held in this weird esteem. But surely this does not fit with my youngest sister who doesn't remember a time without a home computer or a cell phone- she was born in 1987.
So where do we fit in?
We are the generation that:
~Grew up watching the Smurfs, from Season 1 all the way through- we were old enough to remember Season 1 and too old to be watching the final season (but probably still did)
~We are the Saved by the Bell generation- those kids may have been a little older, but we knew that's what high school was gonna be like
~Of course, My So-Called Life... we can't forget that. Claire Danes represented us...
~We remember when HIV was the "gay mans disease" but really didn't know what gay meant because we were so little, but we grew up with knowing about HIV and AIDS and the I think personally this made us different as a smaller generation. Generation Xers were already at the clubs.... Generation Y was either barely born or not born yet. We remember and we grew up talking about it.
~We remember the Berlin wall coming down, but had no idea why... and German Gen Xers were there...
~Our generation had after school specials
~We did not grow up with Elmo (or rather he was Baby Monster) on Sesame Street (I was 7 by the time Elmo had a name) or Barney (but the annoying kids we babysat did)
~ We remember Atari, but only those kids with older siblings had it.
~ Nintendo came out at the prime age for us :)
~ We knew our way around 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiago?' (I still remember the jingle)
~ We went into college when the internet was just beginning to popularize and we remember DOS well. So our college years were spent getting to know the WWW and getting used to not doing everything on paper (or needing paper copies). This has helped us in our careers because we can understand why people prefer paper copies, so we don't get annoyed as easily as our younger counterparts, but don't have the need to print everything off like our older counterparts (and we are generally more computer savvy).
So... where do I fit in? I don't know... any ideas? Is it required that I choose a generation or can I be unlabeled. Any other memories from people born between 1976 and 1982? I feel we are the "in betweeners".
So where do we fit in?
We are the generation that:
~Grew up watching the Smurfs, from Season 1 all the way through- we were old enough to remember Season 1 and too old to be watching the final season (but probably still did)
~We are the Saved by the Bell generation- those kids may have been a little older, but we knew that's what high school was gonna be like
~Of course, My So-Called Life... we can't forget that. Claire Danes represented us...
~We remember when HIV was the "gay mans disease" but really didn't know what gay meant because we were so little, but we grew up with knowing about HIV and AIDS and the I think personally this made us different as a smaller generation. Generation Xers were already at the clubs.... Generation Y was either barely born or not born yet. We remember and we grew up talking about it.
~We remember the Berlin wall coming down, but had no idea why... and German Gen Xers were there...
~Our generation had after school specials
~We did not grow up with Elmo (or rather he was Baby Monster) on Sesame Street (I was 7 by the time Elmo had a name) or Barney (but the annoying kids we babysat did)
~ We remember Atari, but only those kids with older siblings had it.
~ Nintendo came out at the prime age for us :)
~ We knew our way around 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiago?' (I still remember the jingle)
~ We went into college when the internet was just beginning to popularize and we remember DOS well. So our college years were spent getting to know the WWW and getting used to not doing everything on paper (or needing paper copies). This has helped us in our careers because we can understand why people prefer paper copies, so we don't get annoyed as easily as our younger counterparts, but don't have the need to print everything off like our older counterparts (and we are generally more computer savvy).
So... where do I fit in? I don't know... any ideas? Is it required that I choose a generation or can I be unlabeled. Any other memories from people born between 1976 and 1982? I feel we are the "in betweeners".
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
reasons things happen...
How often do you hear "everything happens for a reason"?
If you're me... you hear it a lot because things don't just 'work out' for me. There have been few times in my life where something fell in my lap and I was able to scoop it up. As in, right time, right place.
These have happened:
- Getting hired at PLASE after my volunteer service... after months and months of looking. Getting there and finding out that the position wasn't actually open (um... after moving there) and then after the longest discussion ever they found grant money to hire me.
- Being hired at CBHS: I wasn't looking for a job, but applied for one, didn't get it and several months later received a call that they're interested in me for another job...
- Getting my teaching assistantship... I "x"ed a box and after months I received an interview phone call. After months of not knowing what to do about school, after months of getting out of a lease and hoping I can afford that apartment in WI that I just signed a lease for, months of packing up my apartment, months of resignation, ending my yoga teaching gigs and finding a part time job and interviewing for that... not knowing... I got offered the assistantship.
These are the 3 times in my life something fell in my lap. Although not without a lot of crap leading up to it. Does everything "happen for a reason"? I truly don't know.
I was denied job after job after job this summer. I finally found a job, and it truly is the job that I wanted when I got out of school. But not without a lot of stress. And there's a lot of issues with this job that I cannot delve into here and now. A lot more stress than I've ever had in my life.
I guess... if I consider long enough... it happened for a reason: someone else got that job and maybe they needed it more. Maybe they didn't have a cousin that would let them stay in their basement. Maybe they had less than $100 in the bank. I don't know. Maybe that's the reason...
I worked hard, very hard, to get through grad school. I knew what I wanted to do when I went into grad school. I genuinely want to help people. I truly want the world to become a better place and feel the need to help with that. How can I do this when I am constantly beat down? This is what it feels like to me. I try, boy do I try, to keep a positive attitude. I know I struggle with this. I do. But that's why I'm in therapy right... which btw costs a ridiculous amount because my insurance sucks ass. Oh, yeah, I could be positive that I have insurance... but for it to actually pay off I'd have to have something terrible happen to me.
I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer and she is unbelievably positive about her situation. Her attitude is amazing. I wish I could have that kind of temperament. Her attitude will help her recover and fight and survive.
I don't think I have the worst attitude ever. I know people who are so negative they have to make other people's lives miserable. I don't know if this is on purpose, but they do and it sucks. I don't believe my attitude is that bad. I just have a temperament that tends to be more pessimistic (I call it realism but apparently this is what all pessimists say so it's time to admit it...).
I am so off topic right now... back to does everything really have a reason. Maybe. I have yet to see many reasons why things are or were.
I guess I can say I learn from a lot. It makes me stronger is what a lot of people say (which I don't feel is true, it makes me more harsh, bitter and pessimistic). It does help me see the blessings when they come. It helps me realize what strong support I have. Dear world... I've realized this enough- now it's time to let something fall into my lap please.
If you're me... you hear it a lot because things don't just 'work out' for me. There have been few times in my life where something fell in my lap and I was able to scoop it up. As in, right time, right place.
These have happened:
- Getting hired at PLASE after my volunteer service... after months and months of looking. Getting there and finding out that the position wasn't actually open (um... after moving there) and then after the longest discussion ever they found grant money to hire me.
- Being hired at CBHS: I wasn't looking for a job, but applied for one, didn't get it and several months later received a call that they're interested in me for another job...
- Getting my teaching assistantship... I "x"ed a box and after months I received an interview phone call. After months of not knowing what to do about school, after months of getting out of a lease and hoping I can afford that apartment in WI that I just signed a lease for, months of packing up my apartment, months of resignation, ending my yoga teaching gigs and finding a part time job and interviewing for that... not knowing... I got offered the assistantship.
These are the 3 times in my life something fell in my lap. Although not without a lot of crap leading up to it. Does everything "happen for a reason"? I truly don't know.
I was denied job after job after job this summer. I finally found a job, and it truly is the job that I wanted when I got out of school. But not without a lot of stress. And there's a lot of issues with this job that I cannot delve into here and now. A lot more stress than I've ever had in my life.
I guess... if I consider long enough... it happened for a reason: someone else got that job and maybe they needed it more. Maybe they didn't have a cousin that would let them stay in their basement. Maybe they had less than $100 in the bank. I don't know. Maybe that's the reason...
I worked hard, very hard, to get through grad school. I knew what I wanted to do when I went into grad school. I genuinely want to help people. I truly want the world to become a better place and feel the need to help with that. How can I do this when I am constantly beat down? This is what it feels like to me. I try, boy do I try, to keep a positive attitude. I know I struggle with this. I do. But that's why I'm in therapy right... which btw costs a ridiculous amount because my insurance sucks ass. Oh, yeah, I could be positive that I have insurance... but for it to actually pay off I'd have to have something terrible happen to me.
I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer and she is unbelievably positive about her situation. Her attitude is amazing. I wish I could have that kind of temperament. Her attitude will help her recover and fight and survive.
I don't think I have the worst attitude ever. I know people who are so negative they have to make other people's lives miserable. I don't know if this is on purpose, but they do and it sucks. I don't believe my attitude is that bad. I just have a temperament that tends to be more pessimistic (I call it realism but apparently this is what all pessimists say so it's time to admit it...).
I am so off topic right now... back to does everything really have a reason. Maybe. I have yet to see many reasons why things are or were.
I guess I can say I learn from a lot. It makes me stronger is what a lot of people say (which I don't feel is true, it makes me more harsh, bitter and pessimistic). It does help me see the blessings when they come. It helps me realize what strong support I have. Dear world... I've realized this enough- now it's time to let something fall into my lap please.
Friday, January 13, 2012
I'm blessed
This week in therapy I was discussing how there's someone in my life that I simply don't like and this is someone that I really can't not have in my life. So I was talking about how guilty I feel for not liking this person and the expectations I had for the relationship. I have worked on the relationship, I have forgiven this person for past transgressions I have felt, I have apologized for past transgressions they have felt, I have tried to be friendly and I simply don't like this person. This person's personality, in my opinion, is simply not nice.
Making a very long story short. or at least shorter... throughout therapy we kept skipping back and forth between different topics. Mainly between the above and the fact that I seem not as worried, stressed, anxious, depressed, etc. as I was before even though nothing has changed on the outside.
I said that it's a combination of effects but mostly because when I was at my lowest and just coming out of it (this summer) a couple of my friends called me out (thanks Kristi and Sarah!). They both (they do not know each other) around the same time period informed me how miserable a person I was to be around. (Pretty sure my mom told me this too).
I said I also realized how many blessings I have in my life. Throughout the miserable time I had many, many people supporting me in many different ways. These blessings include great friends and family who support and believe in me. They believe that, even if I'm depressed and bitchy, I will come out of it someday and be the positive and caring person I am. They believe that even if there is no job in sight that I will get a job. They believe that I will make a difference someday (okay maybe this is my belief but they support me in this belief even if they think it's crazy for me to work for not much more than minimum wage at a nonprofit). They believe in ME. They support and love me regardless. For this, I did not succumb to the miseries of depression. For this, I did not let myself cycle back into that black hole. For this, I am blessed.
So back to person. I have realized that this person may not feel that sort of support. So, my new goal is to figure out a way to show this support to the above person. Even if I don't like this person's personality doesn't mean this person's goals shouldn't be supported. I am blessed and I want to share these blessings. And maybe someday this person will also realize how blessed they are and become a more positive person.
Making a very long story short. or at least shorter... throughout therapy we kept skipping back and forth between different topics. Mainly between the above and the fact that I seem not as worried, stressed, anxious, depressed, etc. as I was before even though nothing has changed on the outside.
I said that it's a combination of effects but mostly because when I was at my lowest and just coming out of it (this summer) a couple of my friends called me out (thanks Kristi and Sarah!). They both (they do not know each other) around the same time period informed me how miserable a person I was to be around. (Pretty sure my mom told me this too).
I said I also realized how many blessings I have in my life. Throughout the miserable time I had many, many people supporting me in many different ways. These blessings include great friends and family who support and believe in me. They believe that, even if I'm depressed and bitchy, I will come out of it someday and be the positive and caring person I am. They believe that even if there is no job in sight that I will get a job. They believe that I will make a difference someday (okay maybe this is my belief but they support me in this belief even if they think it's crazy for me to work for not much more than minimum wage at a nonprofit). They believe in ME. They support and love me regardless. For this, I did not succumb to the miseries of depression. For this, I did not let myself cycle back into that black hole. For this, I am blessed.
So back to person. I have realized that this person may not feel that sort of support. So, my new goal is to figure out a way to show this support to the above person. Even if I don't like this person's personality doesn't mean this person's goals shouldn't be supported. I am blessed and I want to share these blessings. And maybe someday this person will also realize how blessed they are and become a more positive person.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)