reasons things happen...

How often do you hear "everything happens for a reason"?
If you're me... you hear it a lot because things don't just 'work out' for me. There have been few times in my life where something fell in my lap and I was able to scoop it up. As in, right time, right place.

These have happened:

- Getting hired at PLASE after my volunteer service... after months and months of looking. Getting there and finding out that the position wasn't actually open (um... after moving there) and then after the longest discussion ever they found grant money to hire me.

- Being hired at CBHS: I wasn't looking for a job, but applied for one, didn't get it and several months later received a call that they're interested in me for another job...

- Getting my teaching assistantship... I "x"ed a box and after months I received an interview phone call. After months of not knowing what to do about school, after months of getting out of a lease and hoping I can afford that apartment in WI that I just signed a lease for, months of packing up my apartment, months of resignation, ending my yoga teaching gigs and finding a part time job and interviewing for that... not knowing... I got offered the assistantship.

These are the 3 times in my life something fell in my lap. Although not without a lot of crap leading up to it. Does everything "happen for a reason"? I truly don't know.

I was denied job after job after job this summer. I finally found a job, and it truly is the job that I wanted when I got out of school. But not without a lot of stress. And there's a lot of issues with this job that I cannot delve into here and now. A lot more stress than I've ever had in my life.

I guess... if I consider long enough... it happened for a reason: someone else got that job and maybe they needed it more. Maybe they didn't have a cousin that would let them stay in their basement. Maybe they had less than $100 in the bank. I don't know. Maybe that's the reason...

I worked hard, very hard, to get through grad school. I knew what I wanted to do when I went into grad school. I genuinely want to help people. I truly want the world to become a better place and feel the need to help with that. How can I do this when I am constantly beat down? This is what it feels like to me. I try, boy do I try, to keep a positive attitude. I know I struggle with this. I do. But that's why I'm in therapy right... which btw costs a ridiculous amount because my insurance sucks ass. Oh, yeah, I could be positive that I have insurance... but for it to actually pay off I'd have to have something terrible happen to me.

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer and she is unbelievably positive about her situation. Her attitude is amazing. I wish I could have that kind of temperament. Her attitude will help her recover and fight and survive.

I don't think I have the worst attitude ever. I know people who are so negative they have to make other people's lives miserable. I don't know if this is on purpose, but they do and it sucks. I don't believe my attitude is that bad. I just have a temperament that tends to be more pessimistic (I call it realism but apparently this is what all pessimists say so it's time to admit it...).

I am so off topic right now... back to does everything really have a reason. Maybe. I have yet to see many reasons why things are or were.
I guess I can say I learn from a lot. It makes me stronger is what a lot of people say (which I don't feel is true, it makes me more harsh, bitter and pessimistic). It does help me see the blessings when they come. It helps me realize what strong support I have. Dear world... I've realized this enough- now it's time to let something fall into my lap please.