no transfer

Well, we had an embryo, for a couple days, but it didn't develop at all beyond the fertilized stage. It was trying, it did stay alive, but just didn't divide into any further cells. I got the nurse phone call Friday afternoon. She seemed still positive that this may not be a bad thing. But the chances of it developing based on a little research is slim to none. Transfer still scheduled for Saturday morning.

Saturday morning we got the phone call that the embryo still hasn't developed. But we can still do the transfer. I'm really not sure why. My husband and I discussed and the clinic will watch it over the next couple days and see what happens. My thing is, if it does develop- why hasn't it already. That would be a red flag that something is developmentally wrong. Lots of crying today. It's hard to get out of bed and just live like everyone else. For whatever reason, the clinic still wants me to continue meds and had a transfer appointment scheduled "just in case." The doctor I spoke with said there's a 0% chance if we go through with transfer for the embryo to develop.

Throughout the day my emotions were all over the place. This whole process is so very stressful. The unexpected emotion that came out of this has been anger. I'm a little angry about having to go through this, but mostly anger that has been directed towards people who have been irritating me and I've been ignoring it. For example, I have a "friend" who hasn't spoken to me since October. I'm so angry at her for not telling me what's going on, whether it just her or something I did. I'm angry at people for never visiting me. I'm angry at someone because of their shitty parenting. I want to yell at them all! I want to scream at them. I just don't care anymore. Seriously. I almost am willing to burn bridges to release this anger. My husband says to do yoga, but I know that won't help. I don't know what will help. If anything. It sucks. It sucks so much.

Luckily, Sunday, I had previous plans to spend the day with a friend, so for part of that day I was distracted. But I'm still not myself. I don't know if I'll ever find happiness again.

Today, it was confirmed that the embryo disintegrated. Poor thing, died in a lab by its lonely self. It tried, but it wasn't meant to be. I don't even think you can call it and embryo. It was a fertilized egg, it didn't even become a zygote, or more than one cell. We have our follow up appointment scheduled next Tuesday.

So, just now, I decided to take my anger out on insurance and fought with them (with the help of HR) and WON! So, that's a huge relief. HUGE. I really hope it officially gets approved by insurance without issue. Now, just to wait for approval from insurance, my reimbursement and future plans.