Diary of the broken-hearted

Things that come with finding out that I am likely never having my own child, my own biological piece of me:
Never knowing if the child would look like me
Would they have my personality or my husband’s
Would they be passionate like I am but with his laidback attitude
Would they be head strong
Could our personalities mesh in a human and allow that human to bring amazing things to the world
What would our child look like?
Would they have my mother’s patience? My grandmother’s compassion? My temper?
My terrible eyesight or his amazing eyesight
Would they become attached to a security blanket
How about athletic? I’m clumsy and he’s agile. We are both muscular and strong.
We both love to dance but I have no rhythm and am silly whereas he’s serious and fairly good.
We are both great singers.
What traits would be passed on?

We will likely never know.

What did I ever do to deserve this pain? This type of heartbreak that can only come with finding out that I’m barren. Why is this happening? What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is bull. This won’t kill me but it won’t make me stronger. It alters dreams. It alters hopes. It’s a pain that feels so real and tangible that at times it feels like my gut is going to rip right open and my heart will pour out in all the tiny pieces. It’s a pain some people get and we’re a community of kindred broken souls. But it’s a pain many people don’t get. And why should they? Sure, there’s other ways to become a parent. But telling me to get over it or stop isn’t helping. It’s my life. It’s how I process. I’m grieving this loss. Allow me that.

It’s our anniversary today. A silly one that likely I wouldn’t have recognized if I didn’t see a post from Facebook last year, 18 months.
18 months of wedded bliss. And that’s true. We are happy and in love. But the last 4 months have been rough. They’ve been stressful and have tested each of us in our own ways. We continue on. There were days we grabbed each other tighter. There were days he left me alone because one or both of us needed time. But we are surviving. We will rise up. We will carry on. Hopefully for 18 million more months.