A) New protocol, with probably the exact same results, he expects about a 3% chance of conceiving with this option. It would require more shots, all the same tests, all the same visits. When I say 3% chance, I heard 1-3%, my husband heard under 5%. I'm not sure which one is correct, nor did we end up following up, because under 5% chance is incredibly low. The only difference is that the goal of this is to not have a dominant egg, as I apparently did in the first round. But even with only 4 eggs, and only one retrieved, the dominance wasn't much, and he's not at all positive that my eggs would be viable regardless.
B) Same protocol, but lower dosages. This would be a shot in the dark. He would expect the same results as above. I'd have less shots, less hormones.
C) Adopt
D) Egg donor. $30k. Out of pocket. But hey, it's money-back guarantee.
I asked what happened with the embryo and he said that due to not producing many eggs, my age and the fact that I already have a depleted egg reserve, my eggs are likely going to continue to make abnormal chromosomal embryos and not develop further.
I said that it seems our chances are just as likely trying on our own. The doctor actually agreed. He said, you can try DHEA with your prenatal (until forever?!). He actually isn't sure if CoQ10 is as effective as his colleague believes. But, he just in general wasn't positive.
He said "If you have the money and the mental/emotional stability, you can try again." I don't think I have the mental/emotional stability, and until we get our money back from insurance, we don't have the money either. So we now have a new path to parenthood, and/or altered hopes and dreams. There's always that incredibly slim chance I get pregnant without intervention, but it's so slim I really am not even thinking about that option. The doctor actually thanked us for taking the news so well. He said he's gotten threats before. People really put a lot into IVF and I can see how they would take it out on the doctor, but from the beginning, he was honest and upfront with us and never did I have high expectations (the most excited moment was when I received the call that the egg fertilized as I really didn't expect that at all). I tried to be optimistic throughout all of it, but I also had to, for the sake of my sanity, remain realistic.Though, anyone who knows me, already knows that I'm not a very optimistic person, because I do look at things realistically. I think this does help with the downfalls of IVF, especially the big ones and the outcomes that were expected. In the beginning we only had a 12% chance of success. That's incredibly low odds and now they're even lower.
There were two things that could've been said today: the above (there's really no reason to continue IVF) or try again. I kind of expected a bit of relief from hearing that there's really no reason to continue. A relief that I can move on and don't have to hold onto this hope of a slim chance of conceiving. A relief that I won't have to worry throughout an entire pregnancy. A relief that I'm allowed to not try anymore. I expected that relief to feel like a weight lifted off of me. It didn't. It really didn't.
I spent Tuesday night crying pretty hard again once I fell into bed. I expect there will be moments of grief. I expect there will be more tears. But we will get through this.
We have amazing support through all this and I can't be more grateful for that. And my husband is beyond wonderful and my rock.
My friend Heidi said it best. We put it in a meme.
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