Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 6

Or what I'd like to rename- numbers are everything.

And age.

And money.

Today I spent $120 on vitamins. Yes, vitamins. Apparently, I'm late in the game on this one, and should've been told to take these a while ago, but CoQ10 vitamins are supposed to help me with the vitality of my eggs. Apparently it's supposed to make my eggs think they're younger. And I'm supposed to take them for at least 2 months. Well, we are supposed to start IVF in one month so... as I said, late in the game.

We met with the NP today for the "IVF talk." This is after watching videos last night about all the risks that could happen. I kid you not, my husband was gray watching them. He's pretty freaked out about the whole giving me a shot thing. And the possibility of my death. Which was mentioned several times in the video. And he asked the NP about it today. Apparently, the highest risk of death is people with PCOS. Which I don't have, so hey, one more good thing going for us. The NP was super nice, but yet again, all the numbers. So many numbers.

I'm not terrible at math. But it's easier for me to round. But here's the numbers:

I have a 40% chance of having enough eggs for an egg retrieval

Then there's a certain percentage of the eggs becoming embryos. This is depending on the vitality of my eggs it seems and whether or not his sperm works the way it's supposed to on demand.

After that I have a 30% chance of the embryos implanting.

And then either a 20 or 30% chance of miscarriage, or a 20 or 30% chance of non-miscarriage. I actually don't recall. When I said, so basically, if I have enough eggs to retrieve, then I have about a 50% chance... right? No, not even close. My husband informs me this is not how statistics works. The NP said "well, you have to be optimistic." So I spent $120 to make my eggs vital. That's where I start today. We will continue getting through each day. I will take my vitamins: prenatal, Vit D3, and CoQ10.

At this point, I'm done with appointments for a while. Next step= next cycle and then it begins. I will take the doctor's advice and drink and be merry for the holidays because hopefully I won't be able to partake in adult beverages for at least 9 months.

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 5

In the ironic world that is being infertile, all the tests that I had made me late. So for an exciting 10 days there was hope. Although, of course, I did a lot of internet searching where people stated that their period was delayed by 1-2 weeks after HSG. I also inadvertently had a PCP appointment and talked to her about it and she agreed that the trauma of all the tests could delay one's period. Not to mention the stress.

So for 10 days I was somewhat optimistic. The home HCG tests I have are super cheap so I kept thinking "maybe it's wrong." The final kicker was the negative blood test and then my period on the same day. More irony. It's just a part of the infertility process, being disappointed. Part of my life. A part of my life I don't even always share. I mean who wants to grieve with me monthly? And it's not even really a grief. It's just a disappointment, a let-down, and then my day moves on. Some days are harder than others.

I scheduled our IVF talk with the fertility clinic's NP. It's like a one-on-one class talking about everything that one goes through in the process of IVF. I feel like I've got more information than I would ever need, but alas, there's more to learn. Then there's a class on how to do the shots.

I continue to weigh all the options. We are at the starting line, but looking at a very long path and our plan of action seems to be more clear. Someone said to me that if I don't try IVF I would likely regret it. And that's true. So that's where we are. Talking. And talking. And talking some more. Next year will be more action. But for now I will enjoy the holidays with plenty of alcohol. Because, hopefully soon, for (at least) 9 months I will not be able to imbibe.

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 4

So today we had our follow-up:

Yes, I'm eligible for IVF. All of my math and googling did provide me with an understanding of my issue and I was correct: Diminished Egg Reserve.

Since I'm 40 this means the sooner things happen the better.

Since I have like 4 eggs and undetectable AMH the chances of live birth= 12%.

12%

To obtain this 12% chance I need to go for more blood draws. Then shots to my stomach. And more appointments. And more intravag ultrasounds. For like everyday. For several weeks.

And after that I have a 50% chance (actually less, this number kept changing the more the doctor talked, but I'll keep it at 50/50 odds) of being eligible for egg retrieval.

They seem to expect to be able to fertilize the egg no problem, but then embryo plant has to happen... and take. Luckily we did a mock embryo plant in one of my tests (we did?!!!?) and again, I have the capacity to house. So that's good news... but my age and fragility of my eggs are the contributing factors of a miscarriage. Which if you do the math... is about at a 30-40% chance of happening.

I have 3 times to try IVF. They could start as early as January. The doctor looks at us: "What do you want to do?" Seriously. We don't have to decide NOW, but nothing can happen until we decide and we're supposed to decide and meet with the nurse and go over finances and... and so we have to decide NOW. NOW. NOW.

Oh, BTW. There's a high percentage of being able to carry and deliver an egg donor baby, but... lot of buts and we're not looking into that right now. Of course, I should've known when I was 20 that I would have weak, fragile, minimal eggs when I finally married at 39 and decided to have kids. Yeah, the foresight I should've had.

Anyway, so NOW happened. We met with finance. We met with the nurse. We did not set up the meeting with the NP. I literally couldn't anymore. So here we are. On our way to Thanksgiving. Making a monumental decision. And I need to make this decision soon. Because 4 eggs. Because I'm considered seriously old, and every month that passes by I'm considered more and more ancient.

BTW: after muscle relaxants, ibuprofen, chiropractor, massage my neck is starting to have the ability to move. And because we've been trying I've limited medication to a minimal, so this has been a super high few days.

Also, I've read, read, read articles about what to do to increase my chances of increasing my numbers and levels and eggs and it's there, but always written by younger people. So, I keep taking more and more out of my diet and trying to eat as well as I can and exercise (but not intense). And stay relaxed. And talk as much as I can to my support system. I just don't want to overburden anyone. I don't want to feel this way, but I feel like my body is failing as a woman. This is literally what I'm made to do and I can't. Funny thing is I never really thought I'd want to so badly. Funny thing is that up to the last few years I really haven't wanted a bio kid. Isn't that how life works...

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman: Part 3

Day 8 HSG. I get to travel to an outpatient surgery facility. So much fun this is.

HSG is quite the experience. You get a tube and ink (contrast) in your cervix and the NP pushes the ink into your fallopian tubes to make sure they're open. You get to see all this on a TV. It's interesting, but all those squiggles who knows what I'm looking at (well, hopefully the NP does).

She says that there's "something" in my uterus- have I ever had an abnormal pap? No. Well, there's something there- don't worry it could be an air bubble, or fibroids, or cysts, or cancer. Yeah... don't worry. So she sends me to get a sonogram done tomorrow at the other facility (none surgical). Which means two days I get tubes and liquids shoved into me. Fun.

Next day, I go for sonogram and the doctor, who I JUST saw last week is like "have we met?" Sigh. He ultrasounds me again, this time with saline solution. And says "you had your HSG?"
Um... yeah that's why I'm here, it was abnormal.

He looks and says "yeah I see that, it's BIG. But there's nothing today." Literally, this is all. I'm done. Good news. My body is receptive to having a baby. I just have no eggs.

The other good news of the day- I'm able to bump up my appointment to learn whether I'm eligible for IVF or not. That's a bit of a relief.

However, all the stress over the past week has knocked my neck completely out. Remember how I said I'm pretty relaxed. That pretty much all ended. The tension, the stress, the emotions, it's all so much. So very much.

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 2

My period comes. Day 2 they want labs done. I go into the clinic, at like 7am, and get my blood drawn again. And an intravaginal ultrasound. Yeah, that's about as fun as it sounds.

Why? The blood is to check my hormone levels. My ultrasound is to check my egg reserve. The doctor starts calling out numbers when he's checking me out... 1, 3. Hmm, that doesn't sound good at all.

My levels come back the next day. I receive a phone call: my hormones are good. Except my FSH is high, which means my ovaries are working overtime to try to get me to ovulate. Oh, fun. Wait. That first blood test that all came back normal... there was one that said "normal" but my age wasn't in the correct range. Let me go back and look at that... yeah AMH 0.029. SHIT. That's like basically 0. That's my egg reserve.

And wait, the doctor said 3 yesterday, and he was counting my eggs. A quick google search. Sure enough, my intuition is correct. I'm barren!

Here's some numbers. FSH should be no more than 10, mine was higher than 10. AMH should be higher than 1... yeah. And a cis-woman with ovaries in child bearing years, should have 10 eggs in reserve (at least). The thing I keep seeing over and over again is egg donor.

I literally spend the evening in tears. My husband is like "just wait until the doctor." I'm not really a "wait and see" as we know. I can barely get through work Friday. I finally, eventually, pull it together I know what the doctor will say:
Best case- IVF
Worst case: egg donor

I never wanted to carry children so badly that I want to go the egg donor route. I already know that. And my chances of live baby birth is so very slim, it's painful. I need to take a few days to mourn. It is a grieving process too. Letting go of dreams. Letting go of hopes. Allowing a small bit of hope, but not too much hope because it's crushing. So very crushing. There's a fine line here. I am walking that now, I'm very fragile and will wait and see but first... more tests.

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 1

After a year of trying for a baby, I talked my husband into meeting with a fertility doctor.
My husband is one of those "let's just see what happens" kinda people. I'm not. Plus, it really is different for guys than ladies- you don't have a clock that stops after a certain age. You don't have the same expectations, emotions, hormone fluctuations every month. Your underwear doesn't show the lack of fertility every month.

I was already doing the electronic fertility monitor, the charts, the ovulation kits. I did the "we'll take a month 'off' every so often" to "relax." Which BTW- if one more person tells me to relax, I swear I'll show them how to relax. Fertility, no infertility, is a health condition. It's not just "relax and see," it's not "don't be stressed about it." Because honestly, I wasn't stressed. It's a schedule. I like schedules. I can do schedules. It's my body and checking every.single.day how my body is. Okay, the every single day thing does get old. But you start getting into a rhythm.

Even with all that. I found us sitting in a fertility clinic. This moment in and of itself is daunting. I never thought I'd get there. I never thought I'd need it, or want it. Part of me really just wanted to find out "what's wrong" so I can fix it. That's what I do- fix things. Part of me, just hoped the doctor would say "whoops- you've been pregnant all along" (for what, the last year?!). But alas, we're old and have no screaming person pushed out of my vagina to show for it.

The doctor explains everything: IUI, IVF, all the tests... ALL.THE.TESTS.

Okay, blood test done that day- which BTW is the only one my husband has to do. I sent him a while ago to get his semen checked because I wasn't going through any more blood draws until we ruled him out. He's fine. First test comes back and everything is normal.

Then we wait for my period. This is when the fun happens.

Is church a family?

So, I go to a very small church. I left to go to grad school and came back 4 years later to a church that was about half the size or less in population. I became pretty involved. I may not attend every week, but at least once a month, or more. I always felt like I was a bit of an outsider because I didn't grow up there. I didn't connect to their stories. I was invited to certain things, and enjoyed going out for lunch with some buddies- but didn't get invited beyond church things. I never felt fully "part."

I was on the board for 3 years and the final year was a chair, of Stewards, which means I was basically facility manager. It's a difficult position, especially for someone who works full-time and doesn't live near the church. I had to ask other people to do things... some people were willing... others it felt like pulling teeth... and some outright wouldn't help. After my last board meeting, I stopped going. Initially it was because I was busy, had a busy month. Then, lazy Sundays- it was nice to sleep in. Then I realized... I haven't been to church in 2 months and not one person has reached out to me. (I received one email that wasn't remotely about "hey we miss you... etc" and there was supposed to be follow up contact on their end, but there wasn't.

So then, I realized I haven't been to church in 3 months. We're hitting advent season, which is one of my favorite times of year at church. At this point, I don't know if I'll go back to my church or not. If I never felt "part" of it, and they haven't missed me... we shall see I suppose.

(I think this also explains one reason the church membership has decreased so much.)