Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 2

My period comes. Day 2 they want labs done. I go into the clinic, at like 7am, and get my blood drawn again. And an intravaginal ultrasound. Yeah, that's about as fun as it sounds.

Why? The blood is to check my hormone levels. My ultrasound is to check my egg reserve. The doctor starts calling out numbers when he's checking me out... 1, 3. Hmm, that doesn't sound good at all.

My levels come back the next day. I receive a phone call: my hormones are good. Except my FSH is high, which means my ovaries are working overtime to try to get me to ovulate. Oh, fun. Wait. That first blood test that all came back normal... there was one that said "normal" but my age wasn't in the correct range. Let me go back and look at that... yeah AMH 0.029. SHIT. That's like basically 0. That's my egg reserve.

And wait, the doctor said 3 yesterday, and he was counting my eggs. A quick google search. Sure enough, my intuition is correct. I'm barren!

Here's some numbers. FSH should be no more than 10, mine was higher than 10. AMH should be higher than 1... yeah. And a cis-woman with ovaries in child bearing years, should have 10 eggs in reserve (at least). The thing I keep seeing over and over again is egg donor.

I literally spend the evening in tears. My husband is like "just wait until the doctor." I'm not really a "wait and see" as we know. I can barely get through work Friday. I finally, eventually, pull it together I know what the doctor will say:
Best case- IVF
Worst case: egg donor

I never wanted to carry children so badly that I want to go the egg donor route. I already know that. And my chances of live baby birth is so very slim, it's painful. I need to take a few days to mourn. It is a grieving process too. Letting go of dreams. Letting go of hopes. Allowing a small bit of hope, but not too much hope because it's crushing. So very crushing. There's a fine line here. I am walking that now, I'm very fragile and will wait and see but first... more tests.