Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 4

So today we had our follow-up:

Yes, I'm eligible for IVF. All of my math and googling did provide me with an understanding of my issue and I was correct: Diminished Egg Reserve.

Since I'm 40 this means the sooner things happen the better.

Since I have like 4 eggs and undetectable AMH the chances of live birth= 12%.

12%

To obtain this 12% chance I need to go for more blood draws. Then shots to my stomach. And more appointments. And more intravag ultrasounds. For like everyday. For several weeks.

And after that I have a 50% chance (actually less, this number kept changing the more the doctor talked, but I'll keep it at 50/50 odds) of being eligible for egg retrieval.

They seem to expect to be able to fertilize the egg no problem, but then embryo plant has to happen... and take. Luckily we did a mock embryo plant in one of my tests (we did?!!!?) and again, I have the capacity to house. So that's good news... but my age and fragility of my eggs are the contributing factors of a miscarriage. Which if you do the math... is about at a 30-40% chance of happening.

I have 3 times to try IVF. They could start as early as January. The doctor looks at us: "What do you want to do?" Seriously. We don't have to decide NOW, but nothing can happen until we decide and we're supposed to decide and meet with the nurse and go over finances and... and so we have to decide NOW. NOW. NOW.

Oh, BTW. There's a high percentage of being able to carry and deliver an egg donor baby, but... lot of buts and we're not looking into that right now. Of course, I should've known when I was 20 that I would have weak, fragile, minimal eggs when I finally married at 39 and decided to have kids. Yeah, the foresight I should've had.

Anyway, so NOW happened. We met with finance. We met with the nurse. We did not set up the meeting with the NP. I literally couldn't anymore. So here we are. On our way to Thanksgiving. Making a monumental decision. And I need to make this decision soon. Because 4 eggs. Because I'm considered seriously old, and every month that passes by I'm considered more and more ancient.

BTW: after muscle relaxants, ibuprofen, chiropractor, massage my neck is starting to have the ability to move. And because we've been trying I've limited medication to a minimal, so this has been a super high few days.

Also, I've read, read, read articles about what to do to increase my chances of increasing my numbers and levels and eggs and it's there, but always written by younger people. So, I keep taking more and more out of my diet and trying to eat as well as I can and exercise (but not intense). And stay relaxed. And talk as much as I can to my support system. I just don't want to overburden anyone. I don't want to feel this way, but I feel like my body is failing as a woman. This is literally what I'm made to do and I can't. Funny thing is I never really thought I'd want to so badly. Funny thing is that up to the last few years I really haven't wanted a bio kid. Isn't that how life works...