Fostering Experience Part 6 the end

The bomb: Dad is out of jail and wants to visit the boys. Monday. Yes, in like 3 days. Yes, the worker just heard everything I told her and don't worry 2 workers will be at the visit. I told her that the kids need more time, this is a terrible time, can dad be introduced differently. The youngest doesn't know him. The oldest hasn't seen him in like 2 or 3 years and that was very brief. It doesn't matter, it's his right to see his kids. I told her it'd be detrimental to them. It doesn't matter. It's Monday at 4pm. The end.

Mind you, up until now, we haven't heard from family at all. And we were still pre-adopt, awaiting November for a termination of parental rights. OMG.

7 yo got sick, very sick. The doctor thought strep but wasn't sure, so "watch him over the weekend." He got sicker. He got more feverish. He got more sick. I take him to the doctor Monday and he says it is strep after all. Now Hubby is away for work for a few days. I'm by myself with a very feverish child and a hyper as hell 3 yo. Oh, but dad still wants to see them. Even sick.

They got back from the visit where 7 yo announced that they are going to visit dad every week and go to live with him!!! Worker says "yep" when I look at her quizzically. Doesn't discuss any of this with me at all. Says "we have a house visit Friday, we can discuss it then." I throw daggers.

7 yo is sick. I'm home with him Monday and Tuesday. Hubby gets home Wednesday. This kid fights with us all the time, he started throwing furniture on Wednesday (his fever finally broke). Night terrors every night, they're worse than ever. He's having meltdowns over every little thing, he's incredibly destructive. He's getting his brother in on the behavior. We request a meeting after the house visit with the worker to discuss long term plans and the fact that we've gotten no support from her at all up to this point.

Friday comes. 7 yo has a meltdown over spilled milk. I'm not lying. He's hitting and kicking me. He's trying to break things. He calms down in time for the worker who comes in bearing gifts for them. Without asking us. I'm livid now, this kid needs a time out, not a gift. We start talking about everything and telling the worker about 7 yo's behavior. We already told him we'd discuss it in front of him. He knows he can tell her about it if he wants. He's embarrassed and he knows he shouldn't act that way. I know he can't really help it, but at the same time needs a lot more than what he's getting and we need a lot more than what we are getting.

As we're explaining everything to the worker, one of the gifts he received was slime. We told him not to open it. Meltdown. He starts trying to break something, then he throws the bag and gift wrap at me. The worker tries talking to him all nice "that's not nice, blah, blah." I'm like, go kid, if you're going to show her, do it. He does for a long time. He starts hitting me, and kicking me. He tries to run away in the garage and we go after him. I'm ready to call the police. Based on everything I learned in social work school and in foster care classes, it's time to call the police. It's now almost an hour of him fighting, screaming, crying, melting down. The worker says not the police, I've been trying to get in touch with my supervisor to call mobile crisis. WTF. I have that number on speed dial and they're all social work students like you. But alas, I call. They don't come for another hour. We try everything to calm him down, hold him down. There's 3 adults holding one 7 yo at one point because he was trying to use his head to butt me. No, he was using his head. 3 yo thinks this is all a game. After 2 hours, I honestly have no idea what's going on, I think he's trying to break something. I sit down on the floor and cry. He comes up to me, sits next to me and hugs me. CYCLE OF ABUSE. This kid literally knows the cycle of abuse at 7 yo. After 2 hours, another worker and mobile crisis are there. I'm in tears. They're packing bags, finding respite for the boys. The worker is ready to leave and says "We expect you to pick up the boys by 2pm Sunday." By now, we also put in our 2 weeks notice via email. We looked at her. Hubby said "are you serious? you saw this, this has been our lives for the past 2 weeks." I said "he needs more care than we can provide. I wanted to call the police and you wouldn't let me. We can't take them back and you know that." I felt like shit. We tried so hard. I hated leaving the boys like that. HATED it. There was no termination. Yet more adults in their lives leaving them. Proving to them adults suck.

I still feel like shit for saying that, but we had to do it. We know we had to, we had no choice. I don't know if CPS would have been more supportive if we had kept the boys. I doubt that. Things may have gotten better for a short time, but with dad in the picture there was no doubt in my mind we would've stayed in this abusive cycle. We know they went to treatment foster care in another county and are still there (thanks to COVID). Both parents have been arrested again (and again) and who knows what will happen there.

What I do know is that without dad in the picture, we could've gotten the support 7 yo needed. We could've remained foster and pre-adopt parents to the boys. We would possibly have adopted them by now. It wasn't meant to be and I'm okay with that, but the system messed up. The system truly did those boys a huge disservice. The worker, whether she's overworked or not, did not provide us with adequate support. The supervisor and worker refused to meet with us after the boys were out of placement. It took them over a month to pick up the rest of the boys' belongings. The system is cracked and those boys fell down a huge crack. They needed treatment foster care before being placed with us. The signs were always there, but the workers never listened to the foster parents. The fact that they push bio-parents without so much as making them jump through any hoop to see their child is ridiculous (seriously, you can't tell me that they couldn't have started with letters, phone calls, and maybe dad getting more stable than just being out of jail for 2 weeks??!?!). It was irresponsible of the worker to not listen to the foster parents. I'm not sure she believed us that it was so bad until she saw it with her own eyes, and even then I'm not sure she thought this was everyday. It's hard for me knowing how many kids are in the system and how so many are probably falling through the cracks.

I miss the boys. A lot. I think about them every day. I will always hold them in my heart, care for them, and love them. I hope and pray they are in the right place and can be stable and successful kids and adults.