coming out of the darkness

I don't know if it's summer. I don't know if it's because I've processed. I don't know if it's because I allowed myself to sit in my grief. But I feel like I'm almost out of the darkness. I don't feel like it has a hold on me any longer.

It probably helped that I have money in my savings account again. It likely helps that it's nice outside and I'm able to walk outside with friends and my husband. And practicing yoga more often.

What I also know what has helped is that I've been journaling. I read "The Book of Joy," just one section at a time and then journal about my thoughts. It's been so helpful and unexpected.

One thing I gained out of it is my morning routine. I'm not a morning person at all, at all, so morning routines are super rough, but this is not.

1. Say to myself: Good morning!
2. Be grateful, thankful, appreciative for another day.
3. Wish good for others (I usually choose a specific person/group to send this to)
4. Set an intention for the day
5. Be meaningful= kindness, compassionate, loving, joyful
Joy, love, compassion, generosity are all contagious. Be the ripple and engage with the world.

Saying these things to myself each morning allows me to get out of my head and recognize that we're all connected. That we all need each other to rely on. It's helped me reframe my thoughts. I can suffer internally and dwell on that, or I can provide compassion and love to another being and either suffer with them, or help alleviate that suffering by providing what I can. That connection is key.

I also bought the journal Zen as F*ck which has helped me more than expected. It's taken some of the anger out. It's allowed me to see things differently and be proud of how much I've accomplished. I've been through a lot in the past few months. I've sat in it. I've walked through it. I'm coming out of it now. It's not a straight line, pretty damn curvy and back and forth too. But I can feel the joyfulness coming back into my body. My heart isn't fully open, but it'll get there...

I still probably should think through an energy cleanse though.

advice people will give

You wouldn't believe the advice people try to give in regards to infertility, adoption, and everything in between, or beyond. I want it to be funny, but it's really, truly not.

• Relax
• Nope, just nope. Do not ever say this to someone dealing with infertility
• You can always adopt
• Yes, yes we can and we likely will, but a child through adoption is not the same as a biological child. It's completely a different thing. If you never adopted, would you like me to ask you why you never adopted a child? Because that's kind of what it's like.
• Why are you crying? Stop.
• Because I am dammit. And that's okay.
• What about getting an embryo, or having a surrogate?
• First of all, it's expensive. Secondly, these are two different things. And I can carry a child, I could do egg donor, but I don't want to go that route. And it costs $30k. Thirdly, these things aren't as easy as you think they are. 
• Oh, have you heard about (adoption service here).
• Actually, this one isn't that bad. IF I told you we were looking into adoption. I don't mind learning about all my options. However, most private adoption services cost anywhere from $20k-50k. So unless, you intend on funding this adoption, don't go beyond giving me the resource.
• I don't want to hear about this anymore
• Okay, fine. But you need to just say this nicer. Plus, if my infertility is making you uncomfortable... you may want to think about why.
• Oh, I'm sure your husband doesn't mind trying all the time.
• Yeah, just no. 
• You're not a mother so you wouldn't know what I go through
• No I'm not, but that doesn't mean that I don't have experience with children. I've been a nanny, a babysitter, and I also went to freaking school to be a social worker, which includes classes in child development. So no, I'm not a mother, but that doesn't mean I'm ignorant.

I guess most of this goes along the lines of don't give advice unless asked. It's nice to be supportive, provide appropriate resources, but unless asked don't give advice. It's hard, I know. I truly know. If you're uncomfortable and don't want to talk about the person's infertility, just say so. "I know you're going through a lot right now, and I want to be here for you, but I can't understand what you're going through and it's too hard for me." It's hard on us too, but we don't want to burden you if you can't be supportive.

There's so much more on this list. Feel free to add more if you've gone through this too.

insurance came through, finally!

That is pretty much it. I finally received a reimbursement check for the medication. How long have I been fighting this? It's such a relief. And I really can't be more grateful to Ashley who got me to this point. If you ever have to go through this, immediately ask to speak with a supervisor. Immediately get a case number.

I was also told that if I do future cycles it will only cost copayments for each medication. But I'm pretty sure I don't want to go through it again. My pinky toe still wants to a little bit though. I guess this continues the cycle of grief and the what-ifs.