Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 6

Or what I'd like to rename- numbers are everything.

And age.

And money.

Today I spent $120 on vitamins. Yes, vitamins. Apparently, I'm late in the game on this one, and should've been told to take these a while ago, but CoQ10 vitamins are supposed to help me with the vitality of my eggs. Apparently it's supposed to make my eggs think they're younger. And I'm supposed to take them for at least 2 months. Well, we are supposed to start IVF in one month so... as I said, late in the game.

We met with the NP today for the "IVF talk." This is after watching videos last night about all the risks that could happen. I kid you not, my husband was gray watching them. He's pretty freaked out about the whole giving me a shot thing. And the possibility of my death. Which was mentioned several times in the video. And he asked the NP about it today. Apparently, the highest risk of death is people with PCOS. Which I don't have, so hey, one more good thing going for us. The NP was super nice, but yet again, all the numbers. So many numbers.

I'm not terrible at math. But it's easier for me to round. But here's the numbers:

I have a 40% chance of having enough eggs for an egg retrieval

Then there's a certain percentage of the eggs becoming embryos. This is depending on the vitality of my eggs it seems and whether or not his sperm works the way it's supposed to on demand.

After that I have a 30% chance of the embryos implanting.

And then either a 20 or 30% chance of miscarriage, or a 20 or 30% chance of non-miscarriage. I actually don't recall. When I said, so basically, if I have enough eggs to retrieve, then I have about a 50% chance... right? No, not even close. My husband informs me this is not how statistics works. The NP said "well, you have to be optimistic." So I spent $120 to make my eggs vital. That's where I start today. We will continue getting through each day. I will take my vitamins: prenatal, Vit D3, and CoQ10.

At this point, I'm done with appointments for a while. Next step= next cycle and then it begins. I will take the doctor's advice and drink and be merry for the holidays because hopefully I won't be able to partake in adult beverages for at least 9 months.

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 5

In the ironic world that is being infertile, all the tests that I had made me late. So for an exciting 10 days there was hope. Although, of course, I did a lot of internet searching where people stated that their period was delayed by 1-2 weeks after HSG. I also inadvertently had a PCP appointment and talked to her about it and she agreed that the trauma of all the tests could delay one's period. Not to mention the stress.

So for 10 days I was somewhat optimistic. The home HCG tests I have are super cheap so I kept thinking "maybe it's wrong." The final kicker was the negative blood test and then my period on the same day. More irony. It's just a part of the infertility process, being disappointed. Part of my life. A part of my life I don't even always share. I mean who wants to grieve with me monthly? And it's not even really a grief. It's just a disappointment, a let-down, and then my day moves on. Some days are harder than others.

I scheduled our IVF talk with the fertility clinic's NP. It's like a one-on-one class talking about everything that one goes through in the process of IVF. I feel like I've got more information than I would ever need, but alas, there's more to learn. Then there's a class on how to do the shots.

I continue to weigh all the options. We are at the starting line, but looking at a very long path and our plan of action seems to be more clear. Someone said to me that if I don't try IVF I would likely regret it. And that's true. So that's where we are. Talking. And talking. And talking some more. Next year will be more action. But for now I will enjoy the holidays with plenty of alcohol. Because, hopefully soon, for (at least) 9 months I will not be able to imbibe.