Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 4

So today we had our follow-up:

Yes, I'm eligible for IVF. All of my math and googling did provide me with an understanding of my issue and I was correct: Diminished Egg Reserve.

Since I'm 40 this means the sooner things happen the better.

Since I have like 4 eggs and undetectable AMH the chances of live birth= 12%.

12%

To obtain this 12% chance I need to go for more blood draws. Then shots to my stomach. And more appointments. And more intravag ultrasounds. For like everyday. For several weeks.

And after that I have a 50% chance (actually less, this number kept changing the more the doctor talked, but I'll keep it at 50/50 odds) of being eligible for egg retrieval.

They seem to expect to be able to fertilize the egg no problem, but then embryo plant has to happen... and take. Luckily we did a mock embryo plant in one of my tests (we did?!!!?) and again, I have the capacity to house. So that's good news... but my age and fragility of my eggs are the contributing factors of a miscarriage. Which if you do the math... is about at a 30-40% chance of happening.

I have 3 times to try IVF. They could start as early as January. The doctor looks at us: "What do you want to do?" Seriously. We don't have to decide NOW, but nothing can happen until we decide and we're supposed to decide and meet with the nurse and go over finances and... and so we have to decide NOW. NOW. NOW.

Oh, BTW. There's a high percentage of being able to carry and deliver an egg donor baby, but... lot of buts and we're not looking into that right now. Of course, I should've known when I was 20 that I would have weak, fragile, minimal eggs when I finally married at 39 and decided to have kids. Yeah, the foresight I should've had.

Anyway, so NOW happened. We met with finance. We met with the nurse. We did not set up the meeting with the NP. I literally couldn't anymore. So here we are. On our way to Thanksgiving. Making a monumental decision. And I need to make this decision soon. Because 4 eggs. Because I'm considered seriously old, and every month that passes by I'm considered more and more ancient.

BTW: after muscle relaxants, ibuprofen, chiropractor, massage my neck is starting to have the ability to move. And because we've been trying I've limited medication to a minimal, so this has been a super high few days.

Also, I've read, read, read articles about what to do to increase my chances of increasing my numbers and levels and eggs and it's there, but always written by younger people. So, I keep taking more and more out of my diet and trying to eat as well as I can and exercise (but not intense). And stay relaxed. And talk as much as I can to my support system. I just don't want to overburden anyone. I don't want to feel this way, but I feel like my body is failing as a woman. This is literally what I'm made to do and I can't. Funny thing is I never really thought I'd want to so badly. Funny thing is that up to the last few years I really haven't wanted a bio kid. Isn't that how life works...

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman: Part 3

Day 8 HSG. I get to travel to an outpatient surgery facility. So much fun this is.

HSG is quite the experience. You get a tube and ink (contrast) in your cervix and the NP pushes the ink into your fallopian tubes to make sure they're open. You get to see all this on a TV. It's interesting, but all those squiggles who knows what I'm looking at (well, hopefully the NP does).

She says that there's "something" in my uterus- have I ever had an abnormal pap? No. Well, there's something there- don't worry it could be an air bubble, or fibroids, or cysts, or cancer. Yeah... don't worry. So she sends me to get a sonogram done tomorrow at the other facility (none surgical). Which means two days I get tubes and liquids shoved into me. Fun.

Next day, I go for sonogram and the doctor, who I JUST saw last week is like "have we met?" Sigh. He ultrasounds me again, this time with saline solution. And says "you had your HSG?"
Um... yeah that's why I'm here, it was abnormal.

He looks and says "yeah I see that, it's BIG. But there's nothing today." Literally, this is all. I'm done. Good news. My body is receptive to having a baby. I just have no eggs.

The other good news of the day- I'm able to bump up my appointment to learn whether I'm eligible for IVF or not. That's a bit of a relief.

However, all the stress over the past week has knocked my neck completely out. Remember how I said I'm pretty relaxed. That pretty much all ended. The tension, the stress, the emotions, it's all so much. So very much.

Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 2

My period comes. Day 2 they want labs done. I go into the clinic, at like 7am, and get my blood drawn again. And an intravaginal ultrasound. Yeah, that's about as fun as it sounds.

Why? The blood is to check my hormone levels. My ultrasound is to check my egg reserve. The doctor starts calling out numbers when he's checking me out... 1, 3. Hmm, that doesn't sound good at all.

My levels come back the next day. I receive a phone call: my hormones are good. Except my FSH is high, which means my ovaries are working overtime to try to get me to ovulate. Oh, fun. Wait. That first blood test that all came back normal... there was one that said "normal" but my age wasn't in the correct range. Let me go back and look at that... yeah AMH 0.029. SHIT. That's like basically 0. That's my egg reserve.

And wait, the doctor said 3 yesterday, and he was counting my eggs. A quick google search. Sure enough, my intuition is correct. I'm barren!

Here's some numbers. FSH should be no more than 10, mine was higher than 10. AMH should be higher than 1... yeah. And a cis-woman with ovaries in child bearing years, should have 10 eggs in reserve (at least). The thing I keep seeing over and over again is egg donor.

I literally spend the evening in tears. My husband is like "just wait until the doctor." I'm not really a "wait and see" as we know. I can barely get through work Friday. I finally, eventually, pull it together I know what the doctor will say:
Best case- IVF
Worst case: egg donor

I never wanted to carry children so badly that I want to go the egg donor route. I already know that. And my chances of live baby birth is so very slim, it's painful. I need to take a few days to mourn. It is a grieving process too. Letting go of dreams. Letting go of hopes. Allowing a small bit of hope, but not too much hope because it's crushing. So very crushing. There's a fine line here. I am walking that now, I'm very fragile and will wait and see but first... more tests.