Babies everywhere

Now I really get people will continue having babies and I can’t. And it doesn’t bother me much. Most of the time.

Today there was a baby shower at work that I went to and I’m happy for the family. I’ve always hated baby showers but I live through them. Mostly because there’s food. I literally could throw up with the games. I tolerate showers. I didn’t have a wedding shower for this reason. I considered it because I thought some people might feel hurt because I didn’t have it but then I realized it’s my life. Anyway, I already just tolerate showers, but I truly am happy for my coworker. However, someone brought their baby. It was like a double whammy of hurt. Ok cute little baby clothes I can remove myself mentally but then a freaking baby. And one that I know was created due to IVF. Well that’s a pain I didn’t expect.

The pain that I constantly have is that there’s one lady who’s pregnant who I struggle with whether she really should have kids. She also has 2 kids, (foster?)  who were just given to her and there’s no way they were given to her in a legal capacity given a criminal history. So this lady who I barely knows keeps popping up in my Facebook feed because we share friends. This is a hurt I hate. Because I don’t want ill feelings towards this lady. I don’t want that negativity in my life. But it’s there. She may have changed. But why can she beat a child and be given infants to raise when I can’t. It’s realky unfair. And that unfairness is what hurts. And it will always hurt. The hurt will hopefully lessen with time. It’s also a judgment that’s not mine. It’s hard to be completely removed from attachment. Non-attachment and non-judgment are two principles of yoga which I need to continue practicing. They’ll come with time. Right now I just want to go home, have a good cry and curl up because that’s about all my brain can handle.

Insurance woes

Well, the good news of insurance paying for the IVF medication isn't quite as good as I thought it was. We've been denied twice now. First it was due to lack of information, which I provided, then it was due to the pharmacy being out-of-network. I contacted them today to discuss the issue and, once again, was crying on the phone to insurance. How do I explain in a letter that I was planning on paying out of pocket but then I found out that they covered the medications so they owe me and basically screw them? I've never had it easy with insurance. I went through a ridiculous amount of appeals with my TMJ, and still ended up paying a lot of money out of pocket. Now, I'm fighting this. The thing is, that it's just super frustrating to think that I'd have some money back, and have to go through appeal after appeal to the point where I doubt I'll get reimbursed. And with every appeal is another opening of a wound that I've been working on closing. I just want this chapter over. How much more can I fight for something that won't be coming anyway? How much more can I fight for something that simply isn't happening? How much more do I have in me? Not enough. My anger throughout the IVF process has really dissipated. Now, I'm just frustrated and sad.

I honestly wish that we never went through the process. I should've looked at that 12% and said there's no reason to try. I honestly wanted to look into adoption soon, but don't even have that in me anymore. I see no reason to try to have kids. I just have so much damn heartbreak right now that I just want to crawl in a little hole and never come out. This is what each denial is doing to me. It's breaking my heart and soul more and more. Maybe I should tell that to insurance. But they won't care. Who cares anymore about anything?