Gratefulness

30 days of gratefulness is going around Facebook. I don't have patience for that but here's what I'm most grateful for:

I'm grateful for a wonderful family. A very supportive family and could not be where I am today without them.

I'm grateful for my family. My family has always been supportive of me. They put up with the fact that I quit what I thought was a dream job out of college to join a full time volunteer service which led me far from them. I didn't see them but once a year for 3 years. I didn't spend holidays with them, or celebrate birthdays. And now see them maybe twice a year.

In Milwaukee (and deciding to move out there), my extended family was so supportive, helping find housing, moving me, storing things, providing home cooked food, laundry, driving me to Urgent Care, allowing me to live with them for a few months. I don't think they realized how hard of a decision it was to move back to Baltimore and leave them. And I doubt I thanked them enough.

I'm grateful for my friends. I love them. And wish I saw them all more often.

I'm grateful for an amazing boyfriend.  He's been a rock since the beginning of our relationship. He's always there for me and I continue to be more and more grateful for him daily.

I'm grateful for a good job that I like (the majority of the time).

I'm grateful for simple comforts in life.

I'm grateful for yoga, flowers, music, dance, shoes, hoodies, the ability to afford a gym membership, my bed, a full belly, a cozy apartment, tv, movies, wifi, computer and other gadgets, the trees turning beautiful colors, pink, books and the ability to read them, laughter, art, having lived in several states, visiting more and all of my experiences (good and bad).

That's 30 (I think) and I'm grateful for much, much more

Twilight... my opinions

Years ago, my sisters told me I have to read Twilight series. I told them I watched the movie and hated it. For one thing, the chick is whiny and needy and only 17. She does not need to be revolving her life around boys, particularly boys who really aren't good for her. I mean, come on, is there not one boy in that school that doesn't want to kill you for your blood? You really can't be attracted to him? Anyway, I'm getting off topic. They said Ah, the first movie wasn't very good, but the book, the book is amazing. I tried reading it. I got it from the library and everything. And it was written terribly. I mean, grammar issues galore. Now, I'm not the best writer and I do read trash on occasion, but I could not continue reading this. Again, the lead is just this whiny chick who's annoying.

So now I'm told, oh, just keep going, try, it gets better. So yesterday I watched the second movie. I have decided that Bella (I'm pretty sure that's the whiny chick's name) has schizophrenia. Let me break it down for you. (As aside, even if she does not have schizophrenia, she is a teenager and her frontal lobe is still developing, which is not a good time to make a big decision, such as becoming immortal. Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness. I am not making fun of schizophrenia or people with schizophrenia, and please don't find this offensive because it's meant to be fun since I'm diagnosing a fictional character. Although, if you or someone you know fits the below criteria please speak with a licensed professional who can help.) Now onto the diagnosis:

1) She is at the proper age for females to develop schizophrenia.
2) She's had a lot of stress in her life, a move, her mother remarrying, whatever else she whines about.
3) She seems a bit of a loner and isolates herself socially.

So here's the diagnostic criteria with my highlighted thoughts of Bella (I took out some extra stuff that I deemed unnecessary, but if you want the full criteria go to wikipedia or see the DSM IV TR):

According to the revised fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, three diagnostic criteria must be met:^[70]

1. Characteristic symptoms: Two or more of the following, each present for much of the time during a one-month period (or less, if symptoms remitted with treatment).
   • Delusions- she thinks her friends are vampires and werewolves and nobody except said vampires and werewolves are aware of them
   • Hallucinations - she takes risks to see the vampire dude (not Jacob, the pale guy)
   • Grossly disorganized behavior (e.g. dressing inappropriately, crying frequently) or catatonic behavior- she screams in pain when lying in bed, crying, doesn't go out for months (or so it appears)
   • Negative symptoms: Blunted affect (lack or decline in emotional response), alogia (lack or decline in speech), or avolition (lack or decline in motivation) - she seriously lacks in motivation until she realizes she can hallucinate if she takes risks and then she starts to hang with another guy to help her take said risks (who by the way turns out to be a werewolf, so yeah...)
2. Social or occupational dysfunction: For a significant portion of the time since the onset of the disturbance, one or more major areas of functioning such as work, interpersonal relations, or self-care, are markedly below the level achieved prior to the onset. - hello? See above. She isolated herself for months, crying and apparently in pain.
3. Significant duration: Continuous signs of the disturbance persist for at least six months. This six-month period must include at least one month of symptoms (or less, if symptoms remitted with treatment). - so far it appears to have gone on for 2 years, at least the delusions.

Don't take things personal

How many times have we heard that?
Don't take things personal.
It's them, not you.
Brush it off.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words don't hurt.
What else is there?

The other night I received a text from a woman I barely know. I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken more than one word to each other. Let alone saw each other for more than a minute. I actually can't count more than like twice but that's neither here nor there.

We were at a party together the other night and I received this text:
NOW I remember why we didn't care for Robin (sic) much. She just jumped [name]'s s**t for accidentally spilling a single noodle on the floor--- along with all of her other snide comments all evening. Sigh...

I received this during the party. Needless to say I had to take a few breaths and the fun was pretty much over for me once received.  I cried. I tend to cry a lot lately. I didn't know how to respond (I didn't).

Now, mind you I did give someone a hard time about the noodle, but I was joking and I know (or at least hope) she took it jokingly (when we're together we are several calamities waiting to happen, pretty much every time). So I'm not really worried about that situation. But the snide comment. That's harsh. I can be sarcastic. No, I am sarcastic. I am also blunt and tend to blurt things out before thinking. I work hard on not doing that. I, of course, analyzed EVERYTHING I said all night long and can think of a couple comments that could come off wrong. But none-the-less, nothing should have bothered this person so much as to text another friend (whomever she was trying to text) and bitch about me. I also asked a friend how I was and she said she didn't notice anything I said throughout the night. I stewed. and stewed. And cried some more.

I finally had that moment when I thought: don't take things personally, it's not about you, it's about them. Social work 101. It's not about me. Sure I can be snarky. I can be snide. Call me out on them if they offend you. I'll realize it and apologize. Don't act all friendly then talk about me behind my back.

So what did I learn about this? I am going to be very careful when around said person. I am not going to allow this person to break me. I deleted the text so I'm not analyzing it more. And, sure the text was about me, but it's really not about me. It's about her. (I could analyze what exactly it's about because... well, that's what I do. And to be honest I started to. But I won't. That's not my business.)

And I won't take it personal any longer.  

Mercury in Retrograde

Sigh. Mercury was in retrograde for the past 3 weeks (ish). It's finally out. Have you noticed increased incidents in your life? Blame Mercury's non-movement.

It's not that life has been terrible, it's just obvious mishaps happening more than usual.

People not communicating properly.

I heard a yoga instructor inform me that Mercury will seriously mess with travel, communication and technology.

Yeah, I scoffed. I thought "My life is going so well, nothing can get me down. Mercury is not affecting me at all." Famous last thoughts. I'm not exaggerating. I had that exact thought. I remember being very focused on it and thinking if I remain in the positive energy all will be well and great...

and the next day I broke my foot. I had to pay an extra $250+ for my rental car. My ride showed up at the airport in the AM instead of PM due to miscommunication. That was one day.

Looking back, I realized that I was not seeing little red flag type incidents that I'm not going to delve into. For example these all happened while Mercury was retrograding (or shall I say taking a break), a training sending me 10 of the same emails at the same time. People popping up from the past that shouldn't be popping up. My headlight blowing. Me texting in sick (well taking a sick day for pain) and nobody finding out that I was out.  There are a lot more examples but now that I bring this up... what have you noticed?

Yesterday Mercury got off her lazy ass and started moving again. Thank goodness. Here's to energy flow... let's hope the rest of the summer is smooth sailing.

Why do I cry?

I cry because I'm in actual physical pain
I cry because I saw a scary looking bruise on my foot
I cry because there's a sock in the middle of the floor I'm afraid I'll trip over and break another bone
I cry because my apartment is a mess and I simply don't know how to clean it
I cry because my friends are amazing
I cry because I miss my family
I cry because my best friend is a true friend
I cry because I have to ask for help
I cry because I haven't spoken to several of my friends for weeks and I miss them
I cry because I want them to contact me for once
I cry because people are so nice
I cry because I can't do anything and want to
I cry because my right hip hurts almost more than my broken left foot
I cry because I can't work out
I cry because I really want to do yoga but my brain won't shut off
I cry because I need a pedicure
I cry because my toenail catches on my boot
I cry because last week I flew in acroyoga and it was amazing
I cry because I was in such a good place I levitated (not literally)
I cry because I watched "The Notebook"
I cry because I laughed so hard
I cry because someone brought me lunch
I cry because I know things (life) will get better
I cry because I know life is not bad, just low right now
I cry because life is really good to me
I cry because it just doesn't seem like it sometimes
I cry because I don't have the attention to do anything much at all- or the energy
I cry because my foot is burning
I cry because it'll heal, but slower than I want
I cry because I can