Worst. Date. Ever.

This date was last Thursday...
I just went on the worst date of my life. Ever. Seriously, the worst date ever. And trust me I’ve been on a lot of dates; too many to count. I’ve dated men from every Internet site imaginable, been on blind dates, group dates, met random guys at bars, restaurants, even one on an Amtrak train. Seriously. I’ve been on a lot of dates and they all run the gamut. But this one took the cake tonight. It was awful. Eric is not a looker, and talking on the phone I could even feel that this was probably not going to go so well, but you never know who’s the one and meeting for drinks is not so bad… usually. First, let me also say that this is the fourth first date we’ve scheduled, which was the biggest red flag: that our schedules didn’t connect. Let me also tell you that every phone conversation we’ve had has revolved around movies, he always started the conversation saying a movie he just saw and asking if I liked horror movies, I don’t and told him each time. Then he would go on to say that he heard Sex and the City the movie is really risqué. After asking him the first time we had this conversation I knew that he never saw not only the movie, but never saw an episode of the show. He would go on to say, “I never saw it, but heard it’s like a soft porn.” Oh my. Red flag number two and popping up every time he mentions it, which again, is every single phone conversation.

So he calls me as he’s driving to the restaurant and it turns out both of us are a block away from different directions. I parked first and he said, “I’ll meet you on the corner.” So I stand on the corner waiting for him for a few seconds as he parks, walks around his car to apparently look at it, then walks toward me. To avoid that whole awkward situation, as he’s walking toward me I ask him how his day was and he responds, he continues to walk past me. Wait, did I just start talking to a random stranger. No that doesn’t seem right, what’s going on here? I continue to talk to him about his day and he’s still walking in front of me. Now I just feel like a puppy dog that has decided to follow Mr. Unattractive into a bar. Great. He leads me into the bar, without any recognition yet or really any acknowledgment besides answering my questions. Then he says, “You want to sit at the bar?” Oh good, I’m not talking to a random person who thinks I’m crazy, just following my idiot date. He then leads me to the bar, without acknowledging the poor hostess… great manners man. And sits in a chair, one side of which is a person, the other side a dirty glass. Uh, okay, so I guess I’m sitting at the dirty glass seat.

Conversation begins, drinks gotten. Conversation ceases, completely dies. I’m watching a football game, ask him if he can see the score. Then realize that it’s almost June, why is football on? So I ask him. He looks at me like I’m an alien, “it’s recorded.” Oh, okay, whatever. Dead. He decides he wants food. Great, I’m going to be stuck with this guy for another 30 minutes at least. He says something about the chicken nachos, I said that I don’t eat chicken but if he gets them on the side that I would help him eat them. He apparently doesn’t hear me except for the fact that I don’t eat chicken. I order the happy hour nachos after he orders his big ass nachos with chicken. Idiot. Oh, and in case I forget later, he of course doesn’t finish them. So, now at least I can eat and don’t have to talk. Geesh.
I’m still trying to drag out conversation; it’s like pulling teeth. I don’t think this guy has any ability to carry on conversation. I ask him where his parents are from, “Grafton.” I say, “Oh, I went to Target there yesterday.” He, again, looks at me like I’m an alien, “why’d you go way up there.” Way up there is 20 minutes north. I said, “To go to Target, I was up in the area anyway,” and went on to say why. He then says, “Did you go to buy lingerie?” I, thinking he’s joking says, “Yeah, because Target has such a great lingerie department.” He wasn’t joking. Oh my.

Oh, that is not the lowest of the conversations. No not at all. He decided to talk to me about cell phones and asked me how I like texting. I don’t and inform him. He says, “What about picture texting?” Um, okay, picture texting? Whatever, I go with it. “Sure,” I say, “I suppose it would depend why one is sending the picture.” He goes on to tell me a story that one of his friends was dating a girl and another friend decided to take a picture of his balls (and proceeded to inform me that balls means testicles) and send it to the friend who was dating said girl and label it “your girlfriend.” HAHAHA. Hilarious. I say, “Why?” He says, “It was funny.” I asked if they didn’t like the girlfriend. He said that they do (apparently guy and girl are still together). I said I didn’t think that she would appreciate it too much. He said, “It wasn’t for her.” End of conversation.

Then I start talking about my trip and said that I’m visiting a friend and we always get massages when we see each other. Oh, why did I say that?!?!? Why, oh why?!?!? Somehow, this goes into a conversation about Speedos. No idea how. And he proceeds to tell me that he would never wear Speedos because he would not want to shave “down there.” Durr. Then he continued to talk about shaving his balls (which thank goodness now I know he’s talking about his testicles, glad we had the earlier conversation) and how he wouldn’t do that and why he wouldn’t. Thanks.

I proceed to the bathroom. Call my friend Sara and ask her to HELP! She reminds me I promised to help her move. Right. Get back to the bar and he says, “What are you up to tonight?” Ha, great, my excuse: “I promised a friend I would help her move.” Eric, “Tonight? When?” Me: “Yes, now.” He then says, “Oh, I thought you’d invite me over tonight.” HA!
We then deal with the bill and somehow I end up paying way more than I should have. And for once I don’t care because I don’t want to be with this person one more second. We leave and I say, ever so politely, “Nice meeting you” while walking fast the other direction. He belches… loudly. Nice. Then says that he’ll be in contact with me. Yup, sure.
This was my Worst. Date. Ever. And I can honestly say that if I ever have a date like this again I will become a nun.

To make things worse, dude turns out to be in a social group that I'm in. Great. May end up seeing him in the future.