just a rough couple weeks

It's been a rough couple weeks. We were invited to a family member's baby shower and didn't go. Part of the reason was because he thinks I can't handle it. The issue was that I probably could've, but we won't know. I spent a lot of time building myself up for it. But then logistics happened and, long story short, he thought he couldn't go so he RSVP'd no. Anyway, building myself up takes a lot of work, so I had to come down at some point.

I also found out that an acquaintance had a baby. Perfectly happy for them, but the sting is still there. I will expect it to be there for a while. People don't get that I can be happy for people, yet still be sad for myself. It's not like I can't have more than one emotion at a time.

It absolutely doesn't help that if IVF had worked we would be celebrating the end of my pregnancy. We would be preparing for the birth of our own child. I know it doesn't help to think these things, and I don't often dwell on it. I'm honestly perfectly fine not carrying an embryo. I'm honestly perfectly fine having a child via adoption. I just wish it wasn't so damn difficult. I'm not a very patient person and this process is long and arduous. Which makes it annoying to me. It's also annoying that  I start thinking about how life is unfair. And then I get guilty or upset with myself for thinking these things. Grief sucks. Infertility sucks. And right now... the adoption process is sucking for me. Clearly, we're still waiting...