Things that come with finding out that I am likely never having my own child, my own biological piece of me:
Never knowing if the child would look like me
Would they have my personality or my husband’s
Would they be passionate like I am but with his laidback attitude
Would they be head strong
Could our personalities mesh in a human and allow that human to bring amazing things to the world
What would our child look like?
Would they have my mother’s patience? My grandmother’s compassion? My temper?
My terrible eyesight or his amazing eyesight
Would they become attached to a security blanket
How about athletic? I’m clumsy and he’s agile. We are both muscular and strong.
We both love to dance but I have no rhythm and am silly whereas he’s serious and fairly good.
We are both great singers.
What traits would be passed on?
We will likely never know.
What did I ever do to deserve this pain? This type of heartbreak that can only come with finding out that I’m barren. Why is this happening? What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is bull. This won’t kill me but it won’t make me stronger. It alters dreams. It alters hopes. It’s a pain that feels so real and tangible that at times it feels like my gut is going to rip right open and my heart will pour out in all the tiny pieces. It’s a pain some people get and we’re a community of kindred broken souls. But it’s a pain many people don’t get. And why should they? Sure, there’s other ways to become a parent. But telling me to get over it or stop isn’t helping. It’s my life. It’s how I process. I’m grieving this loss. Allow me that.
It’s our anniversary today. A silly one that likely I wouldn’t have recognized if I didn’t see a post from Facebook last year, 18 months.
18 months of wedded bliss. And that’s true. We are happy and in love. But the last 4 months have been rough. They’ve been stressful and have tested each of us in our own ways. We continue on. There were days we grabbed each other tighter. There were days he left me alone because one or both of us needed time. But we are surviving. We will rise up. We will carry on. Hopefully for 18 million more months.
About Me
- Robyn
- Social Worker, Writer, Volunteer, Reader, Friend, Daughter, Sister, Woman, Passionate, Compassionate, Social, Outgoing, Lives life, Yogini, Liberal, Music lover... all these things can describe me and more... I can either be put in a box or just be me. I am Robyn. Welcome to my hood :)
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Diary of an officially barren woman
Well, we had our follow up visit with doctor. The title of this post says it all. I have a very small chance of conceiving, even with intervention. The doctor explained 4 options:
A) New protocol, with probably the exact same results, he expects about a 3% chance of conceiving with this option. It would require more shots, all the same tests, all the same visits. When I say 3% chance, I heard 1-3%, my husband heard under 5%. I'm not sure which one is correct, nor did we end up following up, because under 5% chance is incredibly low. The only difference is that the goal of this is to not have a dominant egg, as I apparently did in the first round. But even with only 4 eggs, and only one retrieved, the dominance wasn't much, and he's not at all positive that my eggs would be viable regardless.
B) Same protocol, but lower dosages. This would be a shot in the dark. He would expect the same results as above. I'd have less shots, less hormones.
C) Adopt
D) Egg donor. $30k. Out of pocket. But hey, it's money-back guarantee.
I asked what happened with the embryo and he said that due to not producing many eggs, my age and the fact that I already have a depleted egg reserve, my eggs are likely going to continue to make abnormal chromosomal embryos and not develop further.
I said that it seems our chances are just as likely trying on our own. The doctor actually agreed. He said, you can try DHEA with your prenatal (until forever?!). He actually isn't sure if CoQ10 is as effective as his colleague believes. But, he just in general wasn't positive.
He said "If you have the money and the mental/emotional stability, you can try again." I don't think I have the mental/emotional stability, and until we get our money back from insurance, we don't have the money either. So we now have a new path to parenthood, and/or altered hopes and dreams. There's always that incredibly slim chance I get pregnant without intervention, but it's so slim I really am not even thinking about that option. The doctor actually thanked us for taking the news so well. He said he's gotten threats before. People really put a lot into IVF and I can see how they would take it out on the doctor, but from the beginning, he was honest and upfront with us and never did I have high expectations (the most excited moment was when I received the call that the egg fertilized as I really didn't expect that at all). I tried to be optimistic throughout all of it, but I also had to, for the sake of my sanity, remain realistic.Though, anyone who knows me, already knows that I'm not a very optimistic person, because I do look at things realistically. I think this does help with the downfalls of IVF, especially the big ones and the outcomes that were expected. In the beginning we only had a 12% chance of success. That's incredibly low odds and now they're even lower.
There were two things that could've been said today: the above (there's really no reason to continue IVF) or try again. I kind of expected a bit of relief from hearing that there's really no reason to continue. A relief that I can move on and don't have to hold onto this hope of a slim chance of conceiving. A relief that I won't have to worry throughout an entire pregnancy. A relief that I'm allowed to not try anymore. I expected that relief to feel like a weight lifted off of me. It didn't. It really didn't.
I spent Tuesday night crying pretty hard again once I fell into bed. I expect there will be moments of grief. I expect there will be more tears. But we will get through this.
We have amazing support through all this and I can't be more grateful for that. And my husband is beyond wonderful and my rock.
My friend Heidi said it best. We put it in a meme.
A) New protocol, with probably the exact same results, he expects about a 3% chance of conceiving with this option. It would require more shots, all the same tests, all the same visits. When I say 3% chance, I heard 1-3%, my husband heard under 5%. I'm not sure which one is correct, nor did we end up following up, because under 5% chance is incredibly low. The only difference is that the goal of this is to not have a dominant egg, as I apparently did in the first round. But even with only 4 eggs, and only one retrieved, the dominance wasn't much, and he's not at all positive that my eggs would be viable regardless.
B) Same protocol, but lower dosages. This would be a shot in the dark. He would expect the same results as above. I'd have less shots, less hormones.
C) Adopt
D) Egg donor. $30k. Out of pocket. But hey, it's money-back guarantee.
I asked what happened with the embryo and he said that due to not producing many eggs, my age and the fact that I already have a depleted egg reserve, my eggs are likely going to continue to make abnormal chromosomal embryos and not develop further.
I said that it seems our chances are just as likely trying on our own. The doctor actually agreed. He said, you can try DHEA with your prenatal (until forever?!). He actually isn't sure if CoQ10 is as effective as his colleague believes. But, he just in general wasn't positive.
He said "If you have the money and the mental/emotional stability, you can try again." I don't think I have the mental/emotional stability, and until we get our money back from insurance, we don't have the money either. So we now have a new path to parenthood, and/or altered hopes and dreams. There's always that incredibly slim chance I get pregnant without intervention, but it's so slim I really am not even thinking about that option. The doctor actually thanked us for taking the news so well. He said he's gotten threats before. People really put a lot into IVF and I can see how they would take it out on the doctor, but from the beginning, he was honest and upfront with us and never did I have high expectations (the most excited moment was when I received the call that the egg fertilized as I really didn't expect that at all). I tried to be optimistic throughout all of it, but I also had to, for the sake of my sanity, remain realistic.Though, anyone who knows me, already knows that I'm not a very optimistic person, because I do look at things realistically. I think this does help with the downfalls of IVF, especially the big ones and the outcomes that were expected. In the beginning we only had a 12% chance of success. That's incredibly low odds and now they're even lower.
There were two things that could've been said today: the above (there's really no reason to continue IVF) or try again. I kind of expected a bit of relief from hearing that there's really no reason to continue. A relief that I can move on and don't have to hold onto this hope of a slim chance of conceiving. A relief that I won't have to worry throughout an entire pregnancy. A relief that I'm allowed to not try anymore. I expected that relief to feel like a weight lifted off of me. It didn't. It really didn't.
I spent Tuesday night crying pretty hard again once I fell into bed. I expect there will be moments of grief. I expect there will be more tears. But we will get through this.
We have amazing support through all this and I can't be more grateful for that. And my husband is beyond wonderful and my rock.
My friend Heidi said it best. We put it in a meme.
Monday, March 12, 2018
no transfer
Well, we had an embryo, for a couple days, but it didn't develop at all beyond the fertilized stage. It was trying, it did stay alive, but just didn't divide into any further cells. I got the nurse phone call Friday afternoon. She seemed still positive that this may not be a bad thing. But the chances of it developing based on a little research is slim to none. Transfer still scheduled for Saturday morning.
Saturday morning we got the phone call that the embryo still hasn't developed. But we can still do the transfer. I'm really not sure why. My husband and I discussed and the clinic will watch it over the next couple days and see what happens. My thing is, if it does develop- why hasn't it already. That would be a red flag that something is developmentally wrong. Lots of crying today. It's hard to get out of bed and just live like everyone else. For whatever reason, the clinic still wants me to continue meds and had a transfer appointment scheduled "just in case." The doctor I spoke with said there's a 0% chance if we go through with transfer for the embryo to develop.
Throughout the day my emotions were all over the place. This whole process is so very stressful. The unexpected emotion that came out of this has been anger. I'm a little angry about having to go through this, but mostly anger that has been directed towards people who have been irritating me and I've been ignoring it. For example, I have a "friend" who hasn't spoken to me since October. I'm so angry at her for not telling me what's going on, whether it just her or something I did. I'm angry at people for never visiting me. I'm angry at someone because of their shitty parenting. I want to yell at them all! I want to scream at them. I just don't care anymore. Seriously. I almost am willing to burn bridges to release this anger. My husband says to do yoga, but I know that won't help. I don't know what will help. If anything. It sucks. It sucks so much.
Luckily, Sunday, I had previous plans to spend the day with a friend, so for part of that day I was distracted. But I'm still not myself. I don't know if I'll ever find happiness again.
Today, it was confirmed that the embryo disintegrated. Poor thing, died in a lab by its lonely self. It tried, but it wasn't meant to be. I don't even think you can call it and embryo. It was a fertilized egg, it didn't even become a zygote, or more than one cell. We have our follow up appointment scheduled next Tuesday.
So, just now, I decided to take my anger out on insurance and fought with them (with the help of HR) and WON! So, that's a huge relief. HUGE. I really hope it officially gets approved by insurance without issue. Now, just to wait for approval from insurance, my reimbursement and future plans.
Saturday morning we got the phone call that the embryo still hasn't developed. But we can still do the transfer. I'm really not sure why. My husband and I discussed and the clinic will watch it over the next couple days and see what happens. My thing is, if it does develop- why hasn't it already. That would be a red flag that something is developmentally wrong. Lots of crying today. It's hard to get out of bed and just live like everyone else. For whatever reason, the clinic still wants me to continue meds and had a transfer appointment scheduled "just in case." The doctor I spoke with said there's a 0% chance if we go through with transfer for the embryo to develop.
Throughout the day my emotions were all over the place. This whole process is so very stressful. The unexpected emotion that came out of this has been anger. I'm a little angry about having to go through this, but mostly anger that has been directed towards people who have been irritating me and I've been ignoring it. For example, I have a "friend" who hasn't spoken to me since October. I'm so angry at her for not telling me what's going on, whether it just her or something I did. I'm angry at people for never visiting me. I'm angry at someone because of their shitty parenting. I want to yell at them all! I want to scream at them. I just don't care anymore. Seriously. I almost am willing to burn bridges to release this anger. My husband says to do yoga, but I know that won't help. I don't know what will help. If anything. It sucks. It sucks so much.
Luckily, Sunday, I had previous plans to spend the day with a friend, so for part of that day I was distracted. But I'm still not myself. I don't know if I'll ever find happiness again.
Today, it was confirmed that the embryo disintegrated. Poor thing, died in a lab by its lonely self. It tried, but it wasn't meant to be. I don't even think you can call it and embryo. It was a fertilized egg, it didn't even become a zygote, or more than one cell. We have our follow up appointment scheduled next Tuesday.
So, just now, I decided to take my anger out on insurance and fought with them (with the help of HR) and WON! So, that's a huge relief. HUGE. I really hope it officially gets approved by insurance without issue. Now, just to wait for approval from insurance, my reimbursement and future plans.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Egg retrieval
Egg retrieval was a bit stressful for me. Everyone is so nice, I'm not sure why I'm always nervous. I need to seriously get this under control.
The night before one of my friends came by the hotel and chatted with me for a while. That was really nice.
The day of the retrieval was okay. We got there and did our thing. The only thing that really sucked was the lady next to me after my retrieval was so nervous she was nearly hyperventilating. Which makes me more nervous. Then the doctor came in to tell me they only got one egg. That's super disappointing. Especially considering that he didn't seem very positive about my success in further treatment. So trying to be positive, but more crying. This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through.
We got a phone call the next morning that the egg is fertilized. Fingers crossed.
The night before one of my friends came by the hotel and chatted with me for a while. That was really nice.
The day of the retrieval was okay. We got there and did our thing. The only thing that really sucked was the lady next to me after my retrieval was so nervous she was nearly hyperventilating. Which makes me more nervous. Then the doctor came in to tell me they only got one egg. That's super disappointing. Especially considering that he didn't seem very positive about my success in further treatment. So trying to be positive, but more crying. This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through.
We got a phone call the next morning that the egg is fertilized. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
IVF week 3 partial update
Sunday I got to see the doctor during my ultrasound. Egg retrieval will be this week. Tomorrow's appointment will be the determining factor. On Friday I had to order extra Menopur to get me through today then I'm pretty much out of medication... a couple drops of Follistim and Lupron is all that's left.
Monday morning was my last tummy shot. My ultrasound showed 3 good eggs. This is not a lot, but this was a huge hump for my body to get over. So, if you recall the statistics from a while ago. There was only like a 40-50% chance of having the egg retrieval. So now the humps to get over are viable embryo and healthy, full-term baby. My husband got a parting gift at the doctor this morning- a cup. This was the first appointment he came into the ultrasound with me (neither of us see much reason for him to be there, but it was always up to him).
The nurse called me with my trigger shot instructions. TONIGHT! 11:30PM exactly!!!! No, EXACTLY! No lie, they're very specific on this.
I go to bed at like 9pm so I set an alarm for 11:15. It scared the crap out of me! And I really mean that. I go set everything up. The trigger shot is a mixture, similar to Menopur, but not as easy. It really is super difficult to do. I have a very specific time, not a lot of liquid to get into this needle. I started crying. I should've woken up a little earlier. We did the shot approx 11:32 I think. I also struggled falling back to sleep, thanks probably to the adrenaline of being scared out of my mind.
The needle is HUGE. But the shot didn't hurt that badly. My bottom is a little sore from putting a needle and medicine in my muscle.
It's also supposed to storm again. So I talked my husband into going to the hotel connected to the clinic the night before the egg retrieval to eliminate that anxiety. It's an expense I'm willing to suck up, right now my sanity is more important. No free hotel breakfast though since I can't eat after midnight.
So, tomorrow is my egg retrieval. Send prayers and thoughts our way.
Monday morning was my last tummy shot. My ultrasound showed 3 good eggs. This is not a lot, but this was a huge hump for my body to get over. So, if you recall the statistics from a while ago. There was only like a 40-50% chance of having the egg retrieval. So now the humps to get over are viable embryo and healthy, full-term baby. My husband got a parting gift at the doctor this morning- a cup. This was the first appointment he came into the ultrasound with me (neither of us see much reason for him to be there, but it was always up to him).
The nurse called me with my trigger shot instructions. TONIGHT! 11:30PM exactly!!!! No, EXACTLY! No lie, they're very specific on this.
I go to bed at like 9pm so I set an alarm for 11:15. It scared the crap out of me! And I really mean that. I go set everything up. The trigger shot is a mixture, similar to Menopur, but not as easy. It really is super difficult to do. I have a very specific time, not a lot of liquid to get into this needle. I started crying. I should've woken up a little earlier. We did the shot approx 11:32 I think. I also struggled falling back to sleep, thanks probably to the adrenaline of being scared out of my mind.
The needle is HUGE. But the shot didn't hurt that badly. My bottom is a little sore from putting a needle and medicine in my muscle.
It's also supposed to storm again. So I talked my husband into going to the hotel connected to the clinic the night before the egg retrieval to eliminate that anxiety. It's an expense I'm willing to suck up, right now my sanity is more important. No free hotel breakfast though since I can't eat after midnight.
So, tomorrow is my egg retrieval. Send prayers and thoughts our way.
Saturday, March 3, 2018
IVF week 2
I'm writing this in retrospect rather than during the week.
Saturday morning I had lab work and ultrasound done. For the ultrasound she only checked out that cyst. The nurse was kinda irritated that she didn't really count the follicles, but I go back Monday.
I went to the event with my friend. I ended up bringing my medication and left it at her house while we did yoga and meditation. Which was SO needed it's ridiculous. We ended up getting back to her house with about 15 minutes left for the hour window.
My headache has dissipated a lot throughout this week. I am also going to be honest that the time restraints are kind of a pain. I got used to it, but I feel very tethered to my home, especially during the evening.
I'm also super, duper sensitive. As a being, I'm generally sensitive, but the medication is making my sensitivity very real and close to the surface. I partly wonder if I'm using it as an excuse to allow myself to cry... but mostly I think it's due to the medication and excessive stress.
Monday morning we determined my cyst is shrinking and I've got a few follicles that are growing. I also have hit my anxiety threshold. I tend to be a worry-wart or anxious person, but this is chronic and excessive. I'm trying very hard to remain calm. It's hard.
Tuesday I went on a walk with a friend cuz it was nice outside and my anxiety still remained super high.
At my lab draw/ ultrasound appointment Wednesday I talked to the NP and MA about it and they said that it's good I'm noticing that the anxiety is out of control cuz it helps that I can try to do something. I've tried yoga, walking, meditation, tapping (tapping does seem to help, but my brain just won't shut off). I find going to the gym makes everything worse and I had to take my Fitbit off so I can't see my heart rate which due to the anxiety is a little higher than usual, which makes me more nervous... so I took it off for now. That helped. Honestly, typing about the anxiety is making me nervous again. You get the idea. I also don't want the anxiety to affect follicles growing, etc.
Friday I had another lab draw/ultrasound. There's a storm brewing in the area so I had my husband drive me. They told me I'll be monitored daily. But then the nurse called and said I don't have to go back until Sunday. Thank goodness because the storm was ridiculous.
So the biggest take-away this week is my anxiety. I need to get it under control.
Saturday morning I had lab work and ultrasound done. For the ultrasound she only checked out that cyst. The nurse was kinda irritated that she didn't really count the follicles, but I go back Monday.
I went to the event with my friend. I ended up bringing my medication and left it at her house while we did yoga and meditation. Which was SO needed it's ridiculous. We ended up getting back to her house with about 15 minutes left for the hour window.
My headache has dissipated a lot throughout this week. I am also going to be honest that the time restraints are kind of a pain. I got used to it, but I feel very tethered to my home, especially during the evening.
I'm also super, duper sensitive. As a being, I'm generally sensitive, but the medication is making my sensitivity very real and close to the surface. I partly wonder if I'm using it as an excuse to allow myself to cry... but mostly I think it's due to the medication and excessive stress.
Monday morning we determined my cyst is shrinking and I've got a few follicles that are growing. I also have hit my anxiety threshold. I tend to be a worry-wart or anxious person, but this is chronic and excessive. I'm trying very hard to remain calm. It's hard.
Tuesday I went on a walk with a friend cuz it was nice outside and my anxiety still remained super high.
At my lab draw/ ultrasound appointment Wednesday I talked to the NP and MA about it and they said that it's good I'm noticing that the anxiety is out of control cuz it helps that I can try to do something. I've tried yoga, walking, meditation, tapping (tapping does seem to help, but my brain just won't shut off). I find going to the gym makes everything worse and I had to take my Fitbit off so I can't see my heart rate which due to the anxiety is a little higher than usual, which makes me more nervous... so I took it off for now. That helped. Honestly, typing about the anxiety is making me nervous again. You get the idea. I also don't want the anxiety to affect follicles growing, etc.
Friday I had another lab draw/ultrasound. There's a storm brewing in the area so I had my husband drive me. They told me I'll be monitored daily. But then the nurse called and said I don't have to go back until Sunday. Thank goodness because the storm was ridiculous.
So the biggest take-away this week is my anxiety. I need to get it under control.
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