Diary of a Barren(ish) Woman; Part 1

After a year of trying for a baby, I talked my husband into meeting with a fertility doctor.
My husband is one of those "let's just see what happens" kinda people. I'm not. Plus, it really is different for guys than ladies- you don't have a clock that stops after a certain age. You don't have the same expectations, emotions, hormone fluctuations every month. Your underwear doesn't show the lack of fertility every month.

I was already doing the electronic fertility monitor, the charts, the ovulation kits. I did the "we'll take a month 'off' every so often" to "relax." Which BTW- if one more person tells me to relax, I swear I'll show them how to relax. Fertility, no infertility, is a health condition. It's not just "relax and see," it's not "don't be stressed about it." Because honestly, I wasn't stressed. It's a schedule. I like schedules. I can do schedules. It's my body and checking every.single.day how my body is. Okay, the every single day thing does get old. But you start getting into a rhythm.

Even with all that. I found us sitting in a fertility clinic. This moment in and of itself is daunting. I never thought I'd get there. I never thought I'd need it, or want it. Part of me really just wanted to find out "what's wrong" so I can fix it. That's what I do- fix things. Part of me, just hoped the doctor would say "whoops- you've been pregnant all along" (for what, the last year?!). But alas, we're old and have no screaming person pushed out of my vagina to show for it.

The doctor explains everything: IUI, IVF, all the tests... ALL.THE.TESTS.

Okay, blood test done that day- which BTW is the only one my husband has to do. I sent him a while ago to get his semen checked because I wasn't going through any more blood draws until we ruled him out. He's fine. First test comes back and everything is normal.

Then we wait for my period. This is when the fun happens.

Is church a family?

So, I go to a very small church. I left to go to grad school and came back 4 years later to a church that was about half the size or less in population. I became pretty involved. I may not attend every week, but at least once a month, or more. I always felt like I was a bit of an outsider because I didn't grow up there. I didn't connect to their stories. I was invited to certain things, and enjoyed going out for lunch with some buddies- but didn't get invited beyond church things. I never felt fully "part."

I was on the board for 3 years and the final year was a chair, of Stewards, which means I was basically facility manager. It's a difficult position, especially for someone who works full-time and doesn't live near the church. I had to ask other people to do things... some people were willing... others it felt like pulling teeth... and some outright wouldn't help. After my last board meeting, I stopped going. Initially it was because I was busy, had a busy month. Then, lazy Sundays- it was nice to sleep in. Then I realized... I haven't been to church in 2 months and not one person has reached out to me. (I received one email that wasn't remotely about "hey we miss you... etc" and there was supposed to be follow up contact on their end, but there wasn't.

So then, I realized I haven't been to church in 3 months. We're hitting advent season, which is one of my favorite times of year at church. At this point, I don't know if I'll go back to my church or not. If I never felt "part" of it, and they haven't missed me... we shall see I suppose.

(I think this also explains one reason the church membership has decreased so much.)